Nothing to see here. Move Along.

Mistake #44 Me

2009-04-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

(Yes, I'm a dog.)

Well, I knew this day was going to come. However, I didn't think it would take 2 1/2 months. This was at first a supposedly funny response to another blogger's site, but I soon found that my blog's overnight popularity was more intriguing to me than trying to match wits with another blogger's dating rules.

Honestly, I initially had a lot of fun with this blog. Being anonymous to everyone had me laughing through the night. Sometimes I couldn't believe the conversations about the blog amongst my friends and my ward. Keeping a straight face became almost an art. Boston was having fits and Provo (27,000 unique visitors) was subtly becoming my Mecca. But as the posts continued, the conversations turned more disheartening than promising. Hearing that some girls were reduced to tears and others "deeply hurt" finally made me wonder, "don't they see I'm just having some fun here?" Now that I realize that I was wrong, I am here to tell the truth before I disappear from the blogosphere.

To all the RM sisters and those still planning on serving a mission, Gotcha! I think you are all great! No matter what stereotype that is pinned on you, I still remember you are doing the Lord's work in bringing souls unto Christ. I respect that. Really.

Actually, every "type" of girl that has been portrayed in my postings all have an extreme great worth. No one should be considered less datable based on an objective criteria. We are all "flawed" in some respect, and it's what makes us all unique. I'm probably the most flawed of all. Although I don't "live in my parents basement" "find myself unemployed" "extremely bitter toward girls" or even "wrapped in a web of video/computer games," I still have many undesirable characteristics & traits. But just like anyone who has felt humbled, I want to be better too.

As many of you can attest, I haven't provided any real answers on how girls or guys (for that matter) can find companionship. All I've really done is re-started the discussion of why dating is so frustrating. Truthfully, I have just brought up old adages that have been recycled over and over again. Maybe I've added a new spin or put some cheeky pop cultural reference on some, but it's nothing new. Granted, I have received quite the handful of questions that are often over my spectrum of expertise (okay, one MFHD class doesn't give me any expertise.) I am quite flattered, but have no elixir or remedy. From my personal dating forays, nothing has been more successful for me than being honest, caring, and loving.

From the bevy of commentators, I have thoroughly enjoyed the comments. I definitely looked forward to the comments more than I looked forward to writing the next post. However, some of you were way over the top and the language got a touch sour at times. I'm not one to complain, but just one that observed. As my posts continued to get worse, the comments became greater and more incendiary in nature. The pattern was staggering and my heart became more uneasy.

No matter how relevant the subject matter posted was, being hurtful doesn't help any of us progress. I believe I was more enthralled in the "Oh that's sooooo true" comments, that I turned a blind eye to those that were offended/struggling with the comments. There seemed to be a general consensus that if someone was offended by the blog that they shouldn't read what was before them, but we have always been taught to stand up for what we think is right. So I believe it was fair that those objecting to a post had the right to do so. I am definitely awed in the psyche of a person, though. The fact someone can dislike a site and still come back again and again is a bit funny & disturbing. I tracked the IP addresses of multiple "Anonymous" responders who disliked the blog and found a 87% return rate of the 174 people I followed.

From this blog, I have gained a love for writing, and consequently, a desire to work more diligently on my sentence structure, spelling, and grammar. Maybe I'll take a class on satire. I also have decided to use my writing for something more uplifting and less of a degradation to our LDS sub-culture. Maybe you'll find me in the future writing something because it's insightful and not because it's disrespectful.

My apologies to Mike Cunningham, Dave Alba, Mike Visser, Jansen Gunther, Paul Dozier, and to any other guy who was thought to be behind this blog. As much as you would like to hate these guys: they are all innocent. You can hate them for something else. But I ask sincerely that you don't.

Maybe I'm stopping because I have a conscience somewhere in my apparent, "cold, bitter, soul" (someone emailed that to me.) But, I won't continue through your congratulations or your daily need to read my "funny" postings. I figure one day I'll meet my Maker, and hopefully through some repentance, I will have already exonerated this garbage from my "body of work"

But until then, the only reason why Mormon Girls Stay Single is me. Dating and finding the right person is hard, but rewarding work. The last thing you need is a unsuccessful single guy telling you how you're screwing it up. Forgive me, I am but a boy. One day, hopefully, I'll be a man.

Until we meet again,
Peter Preisthood aka (------- ----- ---- ---)

Fin

P.S. I never got caught and I'm not from Provo or Boston :)

Mistake #43 Hey Jealousy

2009-04-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

(I swear this is ginger ale, and maybe they could all dress more modestly...)

I love you, but sometimes you are still single because of what you do to other girls. Here's a rundown. Let me know if this makes sense.

1.Fiancee-hatin' Felicity
So a roommate/best friend/sister is getting married. This is normally grounds for celebration, but not in Felicity's case. This is her time to shine as she sulks her way through the uneventful life she leads. Maybe she feels that since she is the older sister, she should be married before the more nubile one. I read this play by William Shakespeare, Taming of the Shrew, every heard of it? Well, it's a dang good one. Read, reflect, change, and repeat. Perhaps you're the roommate who might already have a boyfriend, but Mr. Slowpoke isn't putting a ring on your finger anytime soon. Even though we look dumb, guys can see through this catty crap. If your mood even resembles even one episode of Housewives of New York (which we have guiltily seen...) why would we want that for eternity? Engagements can be the hardest on the best friend, because he (the unassuming fiancee) seems to ruin all the plans and traditions you two have enjoyed. In my best condescending tone: "Honey, it's natural. When a girl likes a boy, and a boy likes a girl, they don't want to be bothered by your hatefulness." Don't worry. Be Happy. You'll eventually get yours...promise.

2.Gossiping Gwyneth
Ever wonder why people are mysterious, opaque, and closed these days? You know why you feel out of the loop in the ward? Because you spread people's bizness like a California wildfire. Gwyneth I know you have a "concern" for so-and so, but does everyone need to know she made a mistake? Don't be known as the go-to gal for "juicy" information. Take a sneak peak at Psalms 34:13.

3.Self-Righteous Sally
"K, so can I show you this paragraph in 'For the Strength of Youth' pamphlet?" Sally has a tendency to over-express her religiosity and her disdain for anything envelope pushing. Sally, I applaud you on your iron-rod approach, however, examples are great, but silence is golden! Girls don't need a pseudo-mom in their presence. Most girls appreciate your personal decisions and are more apt to follow suit without your blatant brow beatings.

4.Boyfriend Stealing Bethany
You're my favorite, because you are a go-getter! At first, it's flattering to every guy, because who doesn't like to be fought over? Also every girl knows you as their favorite lil' B. But in the oft-repeated words of that hit 1998 song with Brandy & Monica:

You need to give it up
Had about enough (Enough)
It's not hard to see
The boy is mine (To see the boy is mine)
I'm sorry that you (Sorry that you)
Seem to be confused (Seem to be confused)
He belongs to me (He belongs to me)
The boy is mine

Besides, playing the part of the boyfriend then becomes dangerous, because he becomes the jerk if he does move to greener pastures. Also getting involved in a drama-throwdown makes dating in the future seem less desirable. Besides, if he's actually willing to drop you for her, what makes you immune to being dropped in the future?

5.Ex-Girlfriend Elizabeth
Yo Liz, it's over. Chill. This isn't Gossip Girl. You haven't the skill of Blair Waldorf. Only a very select few girls do. You haven't the Upper East Side street cred, nor do you have a Dorota. Guys realize the "many fish in the sea" mantra, because you have so aptly expressed the 2-1/3-1 girl/guy ratio innumerable times. You're an ex for a reason, why not accept it and move on? I know this might sound harsh, but whenever ex-girlfriend tries to trump new girlfriend, the words CRAZY & OBSESSIVE always comes to mind. You've seen all the movies, that usually doesn't sit too well with the guy. So if you're looking to upstage the new girlfriend, you can wait like a fool, but it's like finding a dead cat in the street. No one wants to see that...

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy -- in fact, they're almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil...”Robert Heinlein

Mistake #42 Nannies

2009-03-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

All you glorified babysitters out there, listen up. You are a very peculiar people. First, every other "working" girl hates that you get to watch soaps, talk shows, and Lifetime all day long. Second, guys think you're a joke. Finally, every stay-at-home mom is jealous that you are getting paid to do a piss-poor job at raising children when their only pay are in the form of hugs and kisses. True, I fantasized about hooking up with my babysitter girlfriend back in high school, but your only appeal these days are unhappily married men who believe they finally have something more interesting to check out when they return home.

When we play the "get to know you" game during FHE, nannies are the most saddening to listen to. They all consider themselves an "Au Pair." This is mainly a ploy in making their jobs seem more elegant and refined. Unfortunately the poor girls haven't the slightest clue what this means. First off, an Au Pair lives in a foreign country. I don't care how esteemed and wealthy the family you provide your services for, if you aren't from another country or are headed to another country, drop the French act.

These children are not your children. Even if you spend more hours a day with them than their parents, you still have no ownership of the little rascals. That's your job description, silly. Hearing you say, "my kids" or "my baby" is nauseating. You have no children. You are paid labor. Granted, the kids might even call you "mommy," but you probably taught them to say that because you think it's cute when they accidentally blurt it out in front of their real mother. P.S. that pisses the real mother off.

I think it's kinda okay (not really though...) when you're perhaps between 18-22 years old and a nanny. I can somewhat respect that, but when you're 27 talking about picking up your kids from school, I can't take you seriously anymore. If you like taking care of kids that much, how about making yourself available on a Friday night instead of making Spaghetti O's and tucking in someone else's 3 year old.

Please refrain from telling me, "This job will help me in the real world." No future job you apply for will ask you for nanny experience (unless you're applying for another nanny job.) Telling us that your vacation home is on Catalina Island, The Hamptons, Martha's Vineyard, or Steamboat Springs doesn't impress. First, you're not inviting us, ever. Second, we all know these are not "vacations" for you. You are inside observing little Madison and Jaxson on their Nintendo Wii's, while their parents are outdoors enjoying the real "vacation".

My suggestion would be to hang up the diapers & play dates until you have your own little tykes, and save those jobs for the real "au pairs". But hey, what do I know? I'm still single myself, right?

Mistake #41 All-Girl Trips

2009-03-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hey girls, so I hear you're going on a little all-girl vacation?

First, let me get this right. You spend all winter getting in shape from your eating fiascoes during the holiday season, and to reward yourselves you head on these week-long excursions with your lady friends? Okay, got it. Seriously?

I can understand if your guy friends have other things planned. Yes, we do have jobs of substance, but we do know how to put in a vacation day or two. However, I've heard through the grapevine that a few of your guy friends have asked to tag along and you shun them like the Bubonic Plague of the 1340's. What's the deal? Are we really that annoying to be around? Do you hate it when we can add a bit of history and background to the locale you plan on visiting? Are you going to all-women cities with all-women restaurants to do all-women shopping? H-No! So what's your hang-up?

Call me crazy, but doesn't this defeat the purpose of getting to know the opposite sex? I mean you cry and complain about having too many girl friends and not enough guy friends and then you hit us with this ultimate b-slap. I hope this isn't in retaliation to us not inviting you on any trips. Sorry, but you're the planners. Not to be sexist, but how many travel agents have you seen lately with "real" Y chromosomes? We really do appreciate your travel selections and are glad to accompany you.

I know that I'm just a naive guy, but from the looks of it, these are the only probable reasons on going sans-men:

1) You only go through this whole self-improvement phase to gain the approval of other rival women (which you secretly hate btw...)
2) You're actually trying to get your groove back in exotic places with non-MoMo guys. Stella, this only leads you down a slippery slope.
3) You feel uncomfortable with your body and you feel that only a girl can relate. (If I'm not mistaken, most of the comments from girls categorize men as "fat and balding." From that perspective, I think we can all be in agreement that your muffin top won't be a topic of discussion.)
3) You're just trying to get tanned with your girlfriends so you can attract guys later. Well crap, who's going rub tanning lotion on your back then?
4) You really have some pressing issues to mull over with your girls that a sleepover can't suffice.
5) You really love telling the guy who bought you an alcoholic drink that, "I can't, I'm Mormon."

Now, if you're gung-ho on making these trips, go ahead. At least mull over these potential problems:

No protection whatsoever. How much do you really trust 4'9", 97 lbs Trisha watching your back?
Sorry girls, but common sense in foreign locations never was your forte. See Brokedown Palace, Taken, Return to Paradise, & Missing in Aruba: The Natalee Holloway Case.
Add extra risk if you're a blonde. As much as the first guy seems flattering, the next 300 Italian men fondling you make American guys seem like Prince Charming.
Foreign guys DO NOT understand the word "No."
If you're getting taken advantage of at Meineke Car Care, good luck with Cantonese street markets, the Taj Mahal vendors, Cancun taxi drivers, or some sketch cabana boy in Majorca, Spain.
Who will you dance with? Will it be the guy who grinds you into a full on DH, or will it be Mr. Axe cologne who's just scouring the club for his next human trafficking victim.
Who will give you a blessing if you get hurt?
What are the chances you know the language...proficiently? Rosetta Stone only halfway works in a business meeting and is a non-factor when local colloquiallism is involved.

These aren't just rantings of a chauvinistic, bitter guy, these are also valid concerns that each one of your parents (at least the ones who actually care...) talk about before you head out into the unknown. So again, think twice. Better yet, just don't give us any crap at age 55 when we take golf trip pilgrimages and pay homage to every Robert Trent Jones designed course in the country.

Bon Voyage!!!!

Mistake #40 When the Wrapping Is More Interesting Than the Package by NM

2009-03-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

Visualize this- It is December, there is a huge box underneath the tree wrapped in BMX wrapping paper and you are so excited! Beads of perspiration form on your forehead just thinking of Christmas morning. You just know that it is the bike you have always wanted. Christmas morning comes, you dash to the tree, ignoring all other presents and dive for the BMX box! You shred the wrapping paper, and underneath that glorious BMX paper is…WTF? This is super sized erector set? UGHHHHHH!

Might I be so bold as to parallel this sad Christmas tale with dating? I have seen it with the girls my guy friends take out time and time again. I actually suffered through a double date under these circumstances the other night. You know exactly what I am referring to- the wrapping does not match the package. When a girl has spent many years cultivating her appearance, which admittedly is in tip top condition, but sadly she has completely neglected to develop and foster a brain. She is but a hollow, albeit great looking, shell. This major omission effectively eradicates the possibility of carrying on a conversation about anything save it be other people’s appearance; and more often than not, the conversation revolves around degrading other people’s appearance.

Mike-“Hi Kimmie, how are you today?”

Kimmie (say this next sentence very bubbly, forget to breathe, and ignore all punctuation and the proper pauses that they indicate) -“Oh I am having a bad hair day…hehehe, I like your shirt…OMG look at that girls shoes, they totally don’t go with that outfit, ugh so ugly.”

I mean seriously, how dare that other girl inflict such a fashion atrocity on Kimmie and the rest of the sighted world?

Honestly what needs to happen in this situation is that Kimmie needs slapped up side the head and driven to the nearest Barnes and Nobles, while listening to NPR on the radio, so she can get a clue about life.

Ladies- the packaging is very important; looking, and smelling nice is critical- to attract a guy. To keep one, as well as prevent yourselves from being pitched off a cliff, or failing the proximity to a cliff, used as the bowling ball on your next date, you must actually have something interesting to say.

Do not put down other girls appearance to make yourself seem better, we get it; you are pretty, ON THE OUTSIDE. Do not whine to garner attention because your looks only got you so far. Try to join in and augment the conversation. The aphorism is true, people become more or less attractive the longer you know them. If you want to become more attractive, put down the latest fashion/gossip magazine. Try establishing hobbies and interests which will inevitably result in you forming complete, interesting sentences on your next date that do not involve some poor fashion impaired girls shoes.

Mistake #39 Daddy's Little Girl by DS

2009-03-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

(This is a foregone conclusion...)

Your daddy's rich. We started catching on when you mentioned your trips to the Bahamas every winter. And the condo in Park City. Oh, and the ski vacations to Tahoe. The semester abroad in Europe was unforgettable. Your 58" flat panel TV also helped. And your $900 handbag. Wakeboarding? You took your boat out all the time. The Mercedes is classy, but the Range Rover is way more fun to drive.

We recognize that you're not saying all of those things to brag. You're saying them because to you, they're normal. That's the bizarre world you grew up in. You knew, in some philosophical way, that you were privileged in a way others were not. But you never got very far past the philosophical (unless you count the time you went to Africa to volunteer in an orphanage or the two months you spent teaching English in China).

You were bred to be high maintenance.

It's not that we're intimidated by you. It's just that when we see you, red warning lights start flashing in our heads. You see, we know that the number one indicator of our future wealth (or poverty) is the woman we marry. If you've got expensive tastes, chances are you'll waste all our money. And let's be honest - you're a depreciating asset anyway.

Mistake #38 Meet Your Parents? I'll Pass.

2009-03-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Heather has been dating Jake for the past 3 weeks. In her mind the relationship has been going well. From Jake's point of view things are going pretty cool too. They enjoy each others company and it's pretty much understood that Heather & Jake are like Diet Coke and lime...inseparable. Easter is around the corner and Jake is going to stay at school in Edmonton while Heather made plans 3 months prior to head home to Calgary. Late one night during their "quality time" Heather says, "Well...I talked to my parents today and they think it would be wonderful for you to come with me for Easter weekend." REWIND!

Okay girls, this is a major dating infraction. Why you ask? No guy in their right mind wants to visit your parents, unless he's pretty much ready to get down on one knee and and carry you off into the eternal sunset. What this also does is set you up for "The Question." It doesn't matter if you met the guy yesterday, if you bring Jake home, at least 3 of your foolish relatives will ask you point blank, "When are you getting married?" They of course add a little jovial laugh for extra effect. The next reason is that every family has a crazy. Every family. So just because you can handle uncle Steve with the meth addiction, doesn't mean Jake is super cool with him "chasing the white dragon"

Now bringing Jake home inevitably means photo album and home video time!!! This can have two distinct adverse reactions. First, the cacophony of Annie's Tomorrow on multiple occasions, your part as Julie in Saturday's Warriors, or your "guest" appearance with The 5 Browns can portray you as egocentric, diva-ish, and possibly hinting on malevolence. Or, your lack of talent coupled with your unsightly "pubescent" years brings us to pity you and garner more ammunition once this ill-fated relationship goes sour. (side note: these video/picture shows are only cute to your family that must "unconditionally" love you.)

Next you have the bedroom. Maybe your apartment room has been updated with the newest 600 thread count, Egyptian Cotton sheets from Restoration Hardware and accented with Pottery Barn accoutrements, but your room at home still has Bubble Gum Pink walls complete with fluffy bunnies, ballet slippers, and a canopy bed. No guy wants that mental image of the innocent 12 year old Heather, especially after last night's "Quality Time" was hardly innocent.

Later on, you have dad's unapproved stares, mom pulling the cobwebs out of her flirting techniques, and the handicapped relative showing out again. To make matters worse, there is always the über-awkward family argument:

Dad:"No honey we just can't afford to keep wasting money on your cosmetic upgrades."
Mom:"But you'll spend 300 dollars a week on greens fees?"
Dad:"That's an investment!"
Mom:"You're 58 and will never make the PGA!"
Dad:"Well you'll never win any beauty pageants with that botched lip job!"
Mom:"You shouldn't have been cheap and opted for Dr. Jiffy Lube instead of Botox!!!"

(Mom runs to her room crying and Dad storms out the house furious)

To sum it up, bringing Jake home has more downside than up. At least wait until he says, "I Love You" before you start bringing him home. You'll have plenty of time to show off your boyfriend in due time. For now just send home a picture or cardboard cut-out of him.

Suggestion #9 Top 12 No No's in Conversation

2009-03-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

Who needs a top 10 when I got a top 12? Here are a few suggestions of what not to say to a guy that you are starting a relationship with. As always, do as you wish.

12. When will I see you again?
Alex, I think the correct answer is "What is possessiveness?" I think he just got the go ahead to run away from the crazy train.You can refer back to that dogeared and overly quoted book or video you've already got in your queue from Netflix called, "He's Just Not That Into You." Just like Viagra, when the time is right, you'll know...

11. Can I help pay?
No. We get it, you got a job, you sold your eggs, or your daddy gave you a raise, but didn't we ask YOU to dinner? Save your dough for the guys who want to "hang out."

10. Do you like my outfit?
Unless you're trying to "slut it up," fishing for compliments should be avoided. If you look good, we'll take notice and tell you. If this is not the case, smack your roommate/sis/mom for letting you go out in public in the first place.

9. Did you know that I lost weight?
Yes, we know when you have lost weight, and we also know when you've added that muffin-top too. Only a fool would acknowledge this fact, so don't ask. You can always refer back to #10.

8. Where is this going?
Um...I'm guessing nowhere. If you need to ask this question, you already know the answer.

7. I Love You.
See ya! It's pretty much the guys responsibility to say this one. If he hasn't yet, the answer is no. If you are looking for reciprocation, just watch the bevy of romantic comedies dusting your shelves. 3 words and 8 letters have never caused such an emotional tidal wave as these have. Just wait for it. (Well, "I hate you" is a close second...)

6. I don't trust you.
Hmmm...so you're saying I need to get sneakier? Noted. If you don't trust the guy, go trust someone else then. Relationships shouldn't be like Geometry proofs, either you trust him or you don't.

5. We need to talk.
This translates into, "This is about to get ugly, so let's change the subject." Ladies, why even ask this inauspicious question? Why don't you use your sneakiness a bring out pending problems casually. You could probably eliminate our defensive

4. Who is hotter Angeline Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
The answer is always going to be Angelina Jolie, because it's just fact. Lara Croft will always trump Rachel Green and Angelina would never do a "Marley & Me" or "The Breakup" type film. But we'll tell you Jennifer Aniston, because we all know how much you girls cling to damaged goods. If you need any tangible evidence, just ask your boy Brad Pitt.

3. Don't you want dessert?
Guys are normally paying for the dinner you are eating, so if we want dessert, we'll get dessert. You can just continue feeding your face full of cheesecake. We'll take care of it.

2. Can we watch something else?
I'm assuming that you are at his place, and watching his television. Most guys can tell if they are watching something unfavorable to their significant other, because this is usually figured out during the First Date Rundown Questions. So he is probably doesn't give a crap that you want to watch the rose ceremony of The Bachelor. If you want this relationship to last, you'll learn how to get used to this one.

1. I served a mission.
Game over. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

Mistake #37 You're Hot and You're Cold, You're Yes and You're No by DS

2009-03-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

In this post we will explore the crippling trait of indecision. The fact of the matter is that the majority of us are indecisive. This is a trait that affects all of us, men and women. Herbert Hoover, former President of the United States of America, once said "My view of Heaven is of a place where no one ever has to make a decision." George W Bush, another former President of the United States, said "People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that."

Decisive people stand out from the crowd. Decisiveness is a powerful differentiator, one that can be especially helpful for women living in areas where the women outnumber the men (Author's Note: At this moment every female who is reading this is thinking "That's me! I live in an area like that!" I don't think I've ever lived in a place where the women think there is an equal ratio. They always claim it's at LEAST 2:1 or 3:1… But every time I gaze around in Sacrament Meeting, it looks pretty evenly split to me. Sounds like an excuse...). Let's walk through some familiar scenarios and analyze good approaches.

Decision #1: The Entrée

Ladies, picking an entrée at dinner is not a very difficult decision. Your meal will last approximately 1 hour. Dinner generally occurs at the beginning of a date and can set the tone for the entire evening. No guy wants to wait 20 minutes for you to pick out what you want to eat. This is where you probably want to pay close attention to the cues your date is sending. If he decides right away, try and pick something quickly. If he's taking forever, it's a good opportunity for you to impress him with your decisiveness.

Decisiveness can be a two-edged sword, however. Women have a habit of substituting things when they order food. It's as if they can't just order the "stock" version of the dish. They'll order the Three Cheese Chicken Penne pasta from Applebee's but ask to replace the mozzarella with sharp cheddar, the penne with bowtie, and the alfredo sauce with marinara. Whoa there tiger. Calm down.

Decision #2: The Movie*

One would think that movie selection would not be the arduous process it is today. Yeah, we've received some pretty strict guidance that eliminates 63% of movies in existence. It sounds something like this: "Do not attend, view, or participate in entertainment that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in entertainment that in any way presents immorality or violent behavior as acceptable." But that still leaves 37%.

The irony is that when you get to Blockbuster, you can't think of anything to rent. But when you're sitting at home watching TV or previews for other movies, you're always making mental notes of films you want to see. So why don't we bridge that gap and take care of your indecision problem at the same time? When you hear about a movie you'd like to see, write it down somewhere. Make a list on your BlackBerry Pearl or a note on your iPhone. And next time you head to the movie store, you'll be able to say "I've been wanting to see…". You'll be an instant hero.

Decision #3: The Open Question

"So… what do you want to do tonight?"** Familiar question? I bet you can guess the familiar answer: "I don't know." Or we could twist it around a bit and ask "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't care." It seems like apathy is everywhere these days. That's precisely the reason why decisive people are so refreshing. Take charge. Check out one of those event websites that tells you everything that's going on that weekend. Pull out the latest copy of Schooled magazine and look at the calendar. Oh, and have you ever heard of Zagat? How about UrbanSpoon?

Maybe you don't feel comfortable choosing an activity or restaurant for the entire group. That's fine. You can still be decisive by contributing to the solution. If you're picking a restaurant, say "I'm in the mood for Thai or Italian." The group is now a tiny step closer to making a decision. Well done.

Try it out. And then come back to WMGSS and post a comment letting us know how it went. Beneath the sarcasm and stereotyping, we really do care. Sort of.

*Gentlemen, please do not combine Decision #1 with Decision #2. It makes for a pretty lame date.

**Ladies, if a guy ever asks you this question on a date, tell him you'd like him to take you home. He's pathetic. But if you're just hanging out, it's an opportunity for you to shine.

Mistake #36 Dress How You Want To Be Treated

2009-03-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

I like to criticize. Sue me, but I can totally take criticism like a champ as well. So when you eventually locate me have at it, but until then...

Actions are created by perception. A guy's perception is usually based on physical/visual values and a girl's perception is usually based on emotional/imaginary values. We're going to forget about the female's perception, because this not "Why Mormon Guys Stay Single." This male perception also subconsciously helps a guy determine what type of girls are worth pursuing.

Since men are visual, we like to associate how women dress to how they should be treated. I'm not saying that we go all Chris Brown on you if you wear something slutty, but your dress speaks volumes on your behalf. And because we are wired this way, you will attract a certain guy and a certain attitude regardless of your social status, wealth, ethnicity, profession (or lack thereof), or education.

If you really want to bring out the whole "Girls Next Door" look Pierside Ward, go ahead. Your high school graduation silicone presents complete with 5 inch heels, bottle-blonde hair, uber leathery skin attached to skimpy Bebe Dresses will totally find it's way to that guy who digs you. He's the way "too pretty" schmoozer who has more product than you and just needs a trophy wife. If you can't keep up your part of the bargain, you'll become one of the 30 divorcees in your ward that have already "been there, done that" with the same type of guy.

Or maybe you like the "Capitol Hill" look such as my friends over in the Colonial Wards. Your pale, pasty bodice draped in a sexless Anne Klein pantsuit will definitely get you the attention you're not desiring. That 60-something congressman who dotes on you in private and pretends you are just his "right hand woman" in front of his wife and kids, will just have you around until he gets caught or your internship is over.

Hey Orem & Provo, American Eagle and Abercrombie & Fitch has a stranglehold on your cities. Because you all dress alike, I feel as if this town has about 10,000 middle-class Nadja Suleman's roaming this Wasatch area. With your childlike, vibrant stripes and strategically tattered jeans, it's no wonder your boyfriends all suffer from "Peter Pan syndrome" They'll never grow up and you'll wonder why behind your 500 colorful A&F logo tees.

The "I'm too smart so I shop at Talbots" look over in the Longfellow Park Wards is a little played out. You have girls already in mom mode with your jumpers and 1970-esque Diane von Furstenberg inspired wrap dresses. It's like you don't even care. This saddens us at WMGSS. I'm sorry Boston, they're no guys interested in that and from your recent decline in marriages the proof is in the pudding.

Ultimately it's up to you what you decide to pull out your closets everyday, so don't let me persuade you otherwise. However, cloning yourself like the next girl in your ward bores us. The effort that you put it your dress has an equal reward in the type of guy you attract. I appreciate your attempts at modesty as much as the next upstanding, Mormon guy. By the same token, seeing 3 girls show up in the same ankle boots, patterned tights and floral skirts loses our interest. You'll just attract the same d-bags that still sport their mission Dr. Martens. Refreshingly original girls attract refreshingly original guys. Just remember there will always be more of you than us, so dress accordingly.

A Fresh Coat of Paint

2009-03-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Hi readers. Sorry for the delay in content. We at WMGSS needed an appropriate page upgrade. Stay tuned for more to come.
-Peter P.

Mistake #35 OMG! I'm 21 and not married yet!

2009-03-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

(Don't fret girls...your time will come.)

Mindy, overcome with being overlooked again at church, pouts all the way back to her Liberty Square Apt. She slams her door and screams "Ughhhhhhhh!" Her engaged roommate tries to walk in but Mindy screams, "What to you want! You have everything!!!!" Her roommate was a little perplexed, "Hey Mindy, what's going on? Let me help." "No, you can't help me! No one can!" exclaimed Mindy as the flood gates to her tear ducts open. "I can't believe I'm 21 and not married yet. I hate all my friends telling me how happy they are on their blogs with 'husband.' Why can't they just call him by his freaking real name?!?! I'm tired of being a bridesmaid, I want my own wedding!"

Gosh Mindy, I'm sooo sorry for you. I guess it does suck being one of only 4 girls in your 2005 Provo High School graduating class not married yet. I mean seriously, compared to the last 4 years, you had a 97.2 percent chance of already getting hitched. What are going to do now? You're 2 credits away from your degree in Elementary Education. Should you change you major now or should you think about putting in those mission papers? I bet you've already picked out every single item for your Target gift registry all the way down to that matching red KitchenAid set you've wanted ever since that Good Morning Utah segment.

Well guess what? No one really cares. Get over it. I know how much you wanted to move into a basement apartment complete with 5 foot ceilings where you and your future hubby can procreate to your hearts content. I'll promise you'll see your friends in a few years. Follow my advice and take the Peter Preisthood's Single Lady Cross Country Challenge.

Just pack your bags and join the throngs of single ladies in the metropolitan regions of the country. Start your trip up to Salt Lake City as you move into trendy Sugarhouse, where you secretly become a Ute fan because of their affinity to actually excel at sports. Next, take 2 years getting your graduate degree at Tufts University in Boston. Don't worry you'll be fine. Just hit up the University Ward, no need to bother the "second halves" in the Longfellow Park Wards, because you're still a baby by their standards. Get ready for the 2012 election, by moving down to D.C. Your daddy has a bank roll that has made it through the Depression of 2009-10 so he hooks you up with a townhouse in Georgetown. After unsuccessfully campaigning for yet another Mormon republican, you chill out for a couple of years bouncing around the likes of Huntington Beach & Santa Monica marketing some bogus anti-aging cream as you wrinkle up in the California sun, all the while forgetting you have a Masters in Education.

You're 29 now, so you head back home to Utah and start teaching 4th grade English, where you find yourself in an Orem singles ward with 56% of the girls being 2005 Provo High graduates. They are now divorced or divorced with kids, because marrying their childhood sweetheart that worked at Big O Tires just doesn't pay for all the Mary Kay product or scrapbooking material anymore.

Trust me, after this challenge, you'll realize how dumb you sounded at 21 and "poof" you'll be married faster than you can say, "More Jello Honey?"

Mistake #34 Arranged Marriages (Oops, I mean Dinners) by CSL

2009-03-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sure that someone on the activities committee pats themselves on the back for suggesting this oh-so original idea.

"I know! Let's assign dinner groups! We could do dinner parties on Sunday evenings. What better way to encourage dating in our ward could there be?!"

And so the assignments are made and the sheet goes around. Some Molly out there is eager with anticipation (heck, she's probably the one who suggested it). She's determined to put the old proverb to the test: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She has the menu made and already finished the place cards at Archiver's before she even knows which guy's apartment is coming over.

Molly gets the phone call (hopefully before she's done any more preparations, but sadly, that rarely happens). Its from one of the guys who has been assigned to her apartment. They're not coming. Surprisingly enough, every guy in that apartment is going home for dinner that Sunday. Yes, even the guy from Brazil will be at his parent's in Sao Paulo. How can you interfere with family dinner?

The arranged dinners raise more red flags than a Chinese airport in a guy's mind. These have the potential to be more awkward than eating spaghetti on a first date. Think of all the possible outcomes.

1. The dinner is nasty and choking it down is harder than the burnt biscuits served along side it. At least the girl is amazingly cute.
2. The dinner is amazingly good, but the cook is amazingly not cute.
3. If you compliment the chef of the amazing dinner, she may expect an invitation for a date shortly thereafter.
4. If you compliment the chef of the nasty dinner, she'll know you're lying and then there's no way you'll get a date. Besides, who wants to date a girl who really can't cook? No marriage potential there.
5. Lets entertain the thought that the dinner is amazing and the chef is amazingly cute. But then there are at least 5 other guys there trying to get in on the action as well.
6. The conversation is bound to be mundane. "Oh, these mashed potatoes are so creamy. What do you add to make them so amazing?" "How about this snow? I can't believe its this cold in December." "How about those Cougars?" Inevitably, the girls will start talking about girl stuff and the guys will start talking about sports. There might be one girl who tries to assert herself in the sports world, but no guy is gonna dare enter the female realm in that situation.

There are just a few of the things going through every guy's mind. Is putting yourself through that really worth the free meal? Nah. Stick to the ramen noodles and mac n cheese.

Now, if you can manage to get a one on one dinner cooked by the amazingly cute girl who also happens to cook well, you're in luck.

If its any consolation, this abhorred practice doesn't end when you graduate from the singles ward. In married wards, there's still always someone who thinks this is fun. Its not. No arranged dinners, please. If you want to invite someone over on your own, then fine. That can be fun. Husband and I have done that several times and its pretty successful.

Its just not a good idea to get any group of strangers (or at best, acquaintances) together and have them eat. You have to make small talk, and someone always asks a question when your mouth is full. And heaven forbid someone burps.

Aren't there cruise lines out there that use the fact that they don't do things like that as a major selling point?

If you're still convinced that a dinner party is the way to go, here's what you do. Invite some guys over, order some pizza and stick in a movie that everyone has seen before. That way, you all get fed and if the company is dull, at least there's a movie to entertain you. If the company is good, you can ignore the movie and not miss anything. And if you want to show off your cooking skills, have a good dessert available. You can't go wrong with a good batch of chocolate chip cookies.

Mistake #33 Maybe she's born with it by DS

2009-03-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Mormon girls don't get asked out because they have horrible names. One would think that with all the time parents have to pick a name (approximately 9 months - for those of you who were wondering), they would pick good ones. Yet there are a staggering number of girls, especially in the Mormon community, whose names suggest that their parents were either illiterate or had some problems with the Word of Wisdom.

At the heart of the issue lies the desire to be unique. Expectant parents look around and say "No, no. My child will not be a Rachel or Jessica. Too normal. There were eight girls named Rachel in my 4th grade class. But what would happen if I combined the names? Rassica? Perfect!" It is precisely in that short-sighted moment of triumph that the unborn child in the womb is doomed.

What the parents failed to take into account was the long-term perspective. That single decision to choose a "unique" name has effectively doubled the amount of time it will take their daughter to introduce herself, forever. "What's your name?" "Rassica." "Excuse me?" "Rassica!" "Sorry, could you say that one more time?" "Rassica!!!" If you were to add up the total time a uniquely-named girl spent repeating herself, by the end of her lifetime it would likely amount to several days. What a waste, merely to satisfy a parent's selfish whim.

Confession time: I was once set up on a blind date with a girl who had a made up name. It wasn't just any made up name, though - it was similar to a real name that could be pronounced two different ways (cue Brian Regan "Carolyn v. Caroline"). She was beautiful, smart, and fun, but for the life of me I couldn't remember how to pronounce her name. The whole night I would wait for someone else to say it and then make a mental note, but when I tried to remember, that mental note was gone. I was so worried about saying her name incorrectly that I forgot to have a good time. There was no second date. It was such a traumatizing experience that today I have absolutely no clue what her name was, much less how to pronounce it correctly.

This topic wouldn't be complete if I didn't address the serious offense of changing the spelling of an otherwise normal name. This epidemic tends to afflict two types of parents:

1) those who aren't bold enough to entirely invent a name, and 2) those who invented names until they realized the damage they were doing to their children but couldn't give it up completely. The upside of having a misspelled yet normal-sounding name is that you don't have to repeat yourself much. Just embrace the fact that people will have difficulty finding you on Facebook and your name will never be spelled right in you friend's mobile phones. Finally, a short list of names and spellings that should be banned:

Amberlyn, Andreina, Andria, Angelle, Annaliese, Arianna, Aubrianne, Breanne, Brenna, Brianna, Britta, Bryn, Cambria, Camilee, Camilyn, Caren, Carlee, Cecily, Cedar, Chanti, Charlee, Cherise, Christen, Colette, Dawnelle, Denae, Doneen, Donelle, Gemma, Genna, Hana, Janalyn, Janelle, Janessa, Jayden, Jayme, Jeannine, Jenica, Jewell, Joelle, Julaine, Julene, Kami, Kandra, KaraLyn, Karin, Karlee, Karyna, Kayleen, Kelsy, Kimberlee, Kirtley, Lacey, Lara, Lieren, Loralee, Maegan, Meegan, Meka, Merilee, Mickelle, Mindee, Mitzi, Monika, Rebekah, Rhyll, Salina, Savanna, Shaelyn, Shalei, Shalena, Shandi, Shayla, Sheena, Shellee, Sherstin, Shirene, Shyanne, Sommer, Tanda, Tessa, Tiare, Wittney

You've Got Problems, I've Got Soultions #3

2009-02-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hey Pete!
I'm sure you get an obscene amount of E-mails and other literature to read so I'll try and make this brief. I was curious of you opinion. What course of action should I take to be able to start making the mistakes you mention on your blog. I know that sounds facetious, but I'm serious. How to do start to get out of the friend zone and into the relationship zone? From observation I have come to know that there is a very fine line between being forward and being desperate. I wouldn't consider myself ugly and don't feel like I have a terrible personality. I make guy friends easy- but relationships are few and far between. I know many girls are single because they make mistakes... but what can us other lady folk do to get to the point to be able to make them?
-Just Wondering

Hey Ms. Just Wondering,
Thanks for your question. I don't get that much mail, unless you consider grammatical revisions mail. So in a roundabout way you just want to experience all the highs and lows that come with dating? I would normally say wait for the guy, but in these uncertain times, you might be waiting until the pearly gates. Well, you're thinking about making the plunge, eh? I say do it, don't be afraid to ask the guy because you're the girl. That crap is old school. Be your own woman. Here are my two suggestions.

1) Get your head in the game.

Whenever you want to start something with a friend, figure out the times when you have had the deepest feelings toward your friend. Then ask yourself these questions:
"Am I just happy with his company?"
"Am I just looking for a rebound guy?"
"Am I just looking for any guy?"
If any of these questions are answered "Yes" then you are just needy. You need other attributes to come to the forefront if you are in anyway ready to move this to the next level. Before you risk ruining a great friendship, make sure you are honest with yourself and have a genuine interest in the guy. Oftentimes after a bad breakup it's easy to feel comfort in the best friend of the opposite sex, but don't rebound on him...save that for some random guy at a "Rock the Block" party.

2) Get ready for a possible rejection

Now after you are sure this is the action you want to take, get ready for some awkwardness. You've got to realize that he might not have the same feelings toward you. Surprise mingled with flattery is usually the initial reaction, especially if you haven't been dropping subtle hints in the past. Let his reaction marinade for a bit. Dude's going to be caught off guard so let him collect his thoughts. If his response is good, then grrrrrreat! However, if he feels differently towards you , hold off from jumping off a building. It sucks, but it's fine. It's not the end of the world, so don't let some dude be the end all to your existence. Play it cool. Showing that you can take the less than agreeable news keeps you a cool chica in his light. Your calmness now, might change his mind 24 hours later. Remember that I said might, not will.
Might is a term of uncertainty, but in this case more unfavorable than favorable.

When all is said and done, the decision is yours. What can I do? I'm just a random stranger, that doesn't care to be known. Our whole lives are made up of risks, and relationships seem to be one of the biggies. Just take it all in stride, it's just life. Besides, getting something off your chest feels so good after it's done. Just ask ARod (or ARod's new girlfriend :) Good luck with your decision and stay off the ledge...
Peter P.

Mistake #32 I'm Engaged! Sike.

2009-02-26T06:02:00.000-08:00

There are few things in this world that continue me to write this blog. One is that I can't sleep at night, because all I do is think about the next post. I tried reading my scriptures, but that just makes my posts rife with sacrilege (and I know how you out there hate sacrilege...) Another reason is to ruin my mom's reputation as a sound child rearer, but my favorite reason is to keep girls from inadvertantly extinguishing themselves into premature spinsterhood.

So...why must you continue to put "Engaged" in your Facebook status while you're still happily(or unhappily) single? This is only mildly appropriate for April Fools Day and simply asinine any other day of the year. What's your reasoning...to be original? Honey, that joke has been played out more than my "cliche" postings. There really is no upside to this idea in fooling all your friends. Here are some reasons why:

Everyone already knows that you and your bestie are well...you know. So why throw more fuel in the fire?
Your friends feel like straight up idiots for believing you and subsequently commenting pleasantries on your wall. Thus, you never become a trusted friend again.
This is by no means a way to attract guys, but this is a perfect way to sabotage any hopes you have in dating for the next 2-6 months.
We all feel sorry for you that you have to compensate your lack of dating with a fake relationship. You might become a project girl with sympathy dates. Refer to the DVD Clueless that is dusting on your shelf.

Futhermore, there is another trend involving fake engagement rings. Really? Do you feel like you are such a freaking catch that you preemptively wear an engagement ring to stop all the guys from asking you out? You just had to drop the $39.00 at K-Mart for the cubic zirconium princess-cut fakie. I knew a girl 4 years ago that worked at the BYU library that followed this same practice. She was like, "Well, there are too many guys hitting on me while I am trying to work." Personally I think she had what I like to term, "trailer trash delusional hotness." You know the type that swears by Hot Topic and Sketchers, and has a tramp stamp that was part of "the foolishness of her youth." Also, not much work is involved at the front desk at the library. What is the routine again; swipe and say the due date or was it say the due date and swipe? Well, did you ever think that maybe the Lord is blessing you with this job and you should take full advantage of this opportunity? You know where she is now? Yes, she's single and living back home with her parents in Price, UT. Hmm...if I recall, isn't Price in the middle of nowhere?

Mistake #31 Hot Garbage? Umm...No Thanks.

2009-02-24T13:35:00.000-08:00

Well girls, you did it! You finally got that magical kiss from the handsome gent with a tan and job to boot. But something just doesn't seem right, does it? He seems a little distant at times. Just when the magical moment seems to be in your grasp again, he switches the subject or runs to the bathroom. What gives? Well, take a look in the mirror and follow this quick check list.

Clothes: Ahhmaaaazing!
Hair: Pulled back away from the face
Underarms: Fresh as a bouquet of gardenias
Legs & face: Freshly depilatated and smooth as silk
Perfume: Not too much, only a spray of his utter-most fav!
Teeth: Spinach-free, and bright white!
Breath: Uh-oh...I can't really tell :(

If you worry that your breath is keeping you from that elusive second kiss, then you are probably right. Guys who have already passed the first kiss goal usually have no qualms about the second, third, or umpteenth one. If you are feel you are the exception, I've got a no fail test for you. Lick the back of your hand (like a lollipop should be licked...), hold on for sec, then take a whiff. If what you smell is anything resembling a mix between whale s**t & your nephew's dirty diapers, then you've got a problem. Take your funky breath to a dentist for a checkup so he/she can tell you the same thing. If a cleaning isn't sufficient, then maybe a halitosis specialist is in order.

Don't even think that Orbit's Sweet Mint gum is going to take care of Halitosis either. Maybe for the first kiss, but once the flavor wears off, it's like Frenching your Shih zhu's poo hole (ugh...that is a sick-nasty mental image.) Oh and please don't be constipated, because what is not being exited from the backside will definitely be funneling its way back up the esophagus like a bad sewage leak. If you're in a bind, always eat your parsley at dinner, and keep some Breath Rx mints in tow. For a long term solution to this terrible problem, don't take my word for it...visit these guys below!

Dr. George Bailey

3585 N University Ave Ste 200
Provo , Utah 84604
Phone: (801) 356-8802

Dr. Anthony Mobasser

Los Angeles, CA
(310) 550-0383

9201 Sunset Blvd Suite #618
Los Angeles, CA 90069

Dr. Wynn Matsumura

San Francisco, CA
(415) 387-8600

3030 Geary Blvd.
San Francisco, CA 94118-3315

Dr. Robert Kinniburgh

Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada
(403) 320-5101

P.O. Box 124
Park Place Mall
501 First Avenue South
Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada

Howard Farran DDS, MBA, MAGD, DICOI

Phoenix, AZ
(480) 893-1223

Dr. Charles Seitz, D.D.S.

Watertown, MA
(617) 489-1808

1047 Belmont St.
Watertown, MA 02172

Dr. Harold H. Fagan

Alexandria, VA
(703) 823-2422

4660 Kenmore Ave. #300
Alexandria, VA 22304

Dr. Daniel Lippiner

New York City, NY
(212)-683-6505

77 Park Avenue
New York, NY

Dr. Jose Marcano D.M.D.

Orlando, FL
(407) 855-1471

4861 South Orange Ave.
Orlando, FL 32806

Ethan Janson, D.D.S
Downtown Seattle Dentistry

Seattle, WA
(206) 623-0809

Dr. Todd Marshall D.D.S

Minneapolis, MN
(651) 221-1902
Park Dental6545 France Ave. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55435-2121

Dr. Steven J. Rosenstein, D.M.D., F.A.G.D.

Philadelphia, PA
(215) 745-5508

8410 Bustleton Avenue
Philadelphia, PA 19152

Dr. Duff Kaster

(702) 362-9353

Las Vegas, NV

Mistake #30 Textual Relationships are not REAL Relationships

2009-02-23T16:08:00.001-08:00

It’s 8:45pm on a Friday night and you just got home from the gym. The night is pretty much a wash, because you didn’t make any definite plans with anyone. You look over towards your DVD case for a chill movie for the night and all you see are the usual suspects:

13 going on 30, Serendipity, Notting Hill, The Nanny Diaries, The Notebook

Sweet Home Alabama, Grease, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Wedding Planner

Center Stage, Grease, Never Been Kissed, Dirty Dancing, Father of the Bride

Runaway Bride, Clueless, Romeo & Juliet, Sleepless in Seattle, Titanic

You've Got Mail, Legally Blonde, Moulin Rouge, The Devil Wears Prada, Sex and the City

Ever After, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink

Before I continue, why is it that 91.32% of single girls have these movies neatly alphabetized on a cheap wooden DVD case next to their television? Don’t even try to deny it, because some of you even treat it like a mini Blockbuster complete with sign-in/sign-out sheets. I mean who are you renting these DVD’s out to if every girl owns these movies? Your little entrepreneurship ways are super precious!

Well, you settle down with your 2 overstuffed crepes, one complete with fruit compote and crème fraiche and the other with Nutella and sliced bananas and you veg the crap out. Then after the rain scene from The Notebook when Noah throws Allie up against the wall and…well, you know the scene, you get this itching to text. Well it goes a little something like this:

You: (9:20) Hey, what’s up?

Guy: (9:26) Nothing much just chillin (AKA Watching the NBA on ESPN)

You: (9:26) How was your week?

Guy: (9:30) Pretty good, yours?

You: (9:30) Well, I passed my MFHD test that I was totally stressing out on. (Why did I send that?!?!)

Guy: (9:39) Cool (He’s totally watching ESPN and not paying any attention to you)

You: (9:39) I also went shopping with Jen and got this super cute dress from Anthropologie and this lil’ two piece swimsuit from J.Crew. (Dirty move, but it was necessary)

Guy: (9:39) Swimsuit? (You’ve piqued his interest!)

You: (9:40) Yes. I’m getting my gear now, because swimsuit season is right around the corner!

Guy: (9:41) Yeah, I can’t wait to go the beach. (Wow a full sentence!)

You: (9:41) I know, right? I can’t wait to strip these heavy clothes off and head down south. (Hook, line, and sinker)

Guy: (9:42) What are you doing tonight? (Um, basketball is off the agenda & he’s thinking BOOTY CALL!)

You: (9:43) I’m just working on my fitness, trying to get my abs right. (As you stuff in the last crepe)

Guy: (9:45) I respect that, well what are your weekend plans? (Still trying, but not acting to eager…)

You: (9:50) Pretty busy tomorrow, but I will text you and maybe we can do something. (Just got the upper hand)

Guy: (10:21) Ok, that’s cool.

Later that night...

Guy: (12:11am) No I can’t sleep

You: (12:11am) What?!?!

Guy: (12:12am) Oh, that was meant for someone else. (Whatever dude…)

You: (12:13am) Oh really, a girl? ;) (Clever way of garnering info)

Guy: (12:15am) No, but you could be that girl. (Definitely a flirt)

You: (12:16am) lol! Well, I’m already in bed (you were totally waiting for that reply the whole night)

Guy: (12:18am) Well, I’m not that forward. (Unless you’re gonna do it…)

You: (12:20am) Have a good night! TTYL!!

Guy: (So close, couldn’t seal the deal)

You: (He’s so into me…he is totes going to ask me out!)

The Next Evening

Girl: (Waited all day for guy to take initiative)

Guy: (Waiting all day for girl to respond)

Girl: (9:07pm) Oh hey there :)

Guy: (Wait for it…)

Girl: (9:13pm) Are you there???

Guy: (9:17pm) Sorry, I was busy (Trying to get the upper hand)

Girl: (9:20pm) (Feeling mixed signals) Oh ok, well I won’t bother you then.

Guy: (9:20pm) I’m free now, just finishing up my talk for church

Girl: (9:23pm) (Feeling too guilty for a Booty Call) Oh ok. Well, sit by me at Church tomorrow?

Guy: (9:30pm) Yeah sure (wtf just happened?)

At Church

Guy: Silence

Girl: Silence

Random girl: I saw you sitting by your crush today!

Girl: Yeah we’re kinda seeing each other I guess.

Random Girl: You’re so lucky to get the guy you want!

Girl: (sigh.) Yeah.

Random boy: So you’re hooking up with that girl you sat by today?

Guy: Yeah we’ve been talking the last few days

Random Guy: Yo, that’s tight man! Get that!

My goodness girls! Don’t you see how your texting ways get you in trouble? You’ll never get the success you’re looking for if you substitute real conversation with technology. If you like the boy, don’t set yourself up for a booty call text, talk to him during daylight hours and by all means never text late at night! You can follow-up conversation with a text, but never to initiate one. Too many overly flirtatious or steamy comments make you come across as desperate, needy and intrusive. Remember that less is more. TTYL

Mistake #29 Why Buy the Cow if You Can Get the Milk for Free? by DS

2009-02-20T07:32:00.000-08:00

There is one lesson that girls never seem to learn: that which we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly. If a boy respects a girl, he will wait to kiss her. Time and time again girls complain that a guy played them. And guys complain that girls think they're in relationships. The underlying concept is not incredibly difficult - men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. Ladies, he's not going to date you if he can make out with you without any strings attached.

Let's walk through a few scenarios, shall we?

Kiss Without Ever Going on a Date - That was easy! (I once knew a girl who's siblings gave her a Staples Easy button for this very reason) Ladies, if he hasn't already, don't expect him to take you on a date if you've already kissed. Do, however, expect him to want to watch a few movies with you. Late at night. When your roommates are gone. Embrace the fact that it's not going to work out. His respect for you has plummeted to the basement. But on the bright side, you now have a friend for those lonely nights.

Kiss on the First Date - Listen ladies, I know he was charming. And he's cute. He has a nice job, and is active in church. He smiled. It was magic. Unfortunately, you just ruined your chances with this boy. Your emotional relationship progressed to… nowhere. And now that the physical's involved, the emotional development is going to take a back seat. Is it too late to fix it? Probably. Strap on in and enjoy the 3-week ride.

Kiss on the Second Date - Different strokes for different folks. It's still quite early, but whatever.

Kiss on the Third Date - This is expected. If you don't want to kiss him, don't go on a third date. Make up an excuse. Perhaps your best friend just got dumped. Or cheated on. Or maybe you just already have plans. You could have really bad cramps. The point is that you can't go on that date unless you're willing to kiss him.

This post would be pointless if I didn't take a moment to address another critical issue (that will no doubt be addressed in the comments). Kissing means different things to different people. Especially in Mormon culture. When a boy kisses a girl he thinks "Wow, this feels good". When a girl kisses a boy she thinks "He likes me, he likes me!" Is either train of thought better than the other? Not necessarily. Boys and girls, please be aware of the other point of view and know what you're getting into.

And ladies… don't hate the player. Hate the game.

You've Got Problems, I've Got Solutions #2

2009-02-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was a bit M.I.A. last week on responding to emails, but this one totally slipped past me. I regrettably apologize since the event has past, but nevertheless, I felt inclined to share my juvenile thoughts on this matter.

Dear Peter,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, so we have never celebrated Valentine's Day together. Last week I brought up the holiday and he said it's a waste to contribute to Hallmark's success. I'm confused at what to do. Is this normal?

Dying for a Valentine

Dear Dying,
So Hallmark is keeping him from celebrating. Tell him whoop-di-freakin'-do, we are a capitalist society! While you're at it, give your boyfriend a brief history lesson in holidays he would celebrate.

New Years-Watching a Dick Clark speak from the side of his mouth as newly crowned Ryan Seacrest helps us count backwards from ten. And football. Especially football from teams we never followed all year.

Presidents Day-Not really celebrating at all. Most people think it's for all the presidents when in fact it's for only Washington and Lincoln. If all we do is reminisce then I submit we tack this holiday onto a much warmer day.

4th of July-If I do recall we were still 8 years from finishing the Revolutionary War when we sheepishly established independence. What if we had lost? Our mother country would have called it Insurgency Day. Yay for fat guys and skinny Asian men eating an absurd amount of unflavorful, soggy hot dogs!

Labor Day-Should we really be calling it Labor Day when retail store employees work harder than maybe only 2 other days in the year?

Columbus Day-A day to shop and to forget Columbus terribly miscalculated the West Indies as being the Bahamas and gave the the indigenous people in America every type of foreign disease imaginable.

Thanksgiving-Giving thanks to the Native American for helping us find edible food and subsequently killing them all and eventually dragging the rest to garbage state, Oklahoma.

Christmas-Celebrating the birth of Jesus who wasn't even remotely close to being born on that day? Genius!

I'm just saying most of these holidays don't have that much appeal when you think about it, because most of them are rooted in B.S. anyways. No one really cares about the history, we only care about the celebration.
And lastly, the guy who gives a girl a Hallmark card is lazy. Ask him if he really thinks giving you a card someone else wrote is totally going to melt your heart. Does Valentine's day automatically turn on the stupid switch in guys? Just hold his hand and sarcastically reassure him that he can keep doing the nice stuff he normally does on the 14th as well. Pat him on the back for effect. If that doesn't work, tell him you are celebrating with or without him, and if not with him, probably with another guy... That'll work. Just let him know that you're not into this whole Valentine's Day conspiracy theory crap. If he can't get it together for this one day then you should realize this could possibly be your headache of a husband for eternity. Follow Snow Patrol's advice and Run.

Peter Priesthood

Mistake #28 You served a mission? Well, did you bring any souvenirs back from that extended vacation?

2009-02-19T11:06:00.000-08:00

[You incessantly want this post back up, so here you go!]

So you're getting to know the little Jack Johnson wannabe on a recent camping trip. You two start singing "Mudfootball" by the fire, not realizing everyone else knows that song has been played out since 2003, but you're feeling a vibe from this guy. Later after roasting marshmallows and Starbursts you get down to the "Serious Questions":

1) Where are you really from?
2) Are you gainfully employed during this economic crisis?
3) Did you vote for Prop 8? and
4) Where did you a serve your mission?

This is when you should have said "Oh that's so cool, I want to go there someday!" (and ask him to say some crap in a language you don't even understand) However, you just had to go and say, "Oh that's so cool, I served a mission too!" Wrong answer. Well that's NOT cool Sister, because you just instantly had little J.J. associate you with every shoddy Sis in his mission. All he knows is that, if you're semi-attractive, you served half your mission as a tour guide at the ever-so-posh Temple Square and the other half as a brownie baking fiend in Granite Bay, California, while he was busting his butt getting slammed by snowstorms and gruff foreigners in Vladivostok, Russia. Or he might have flashbacks of that one cute Sister, who could actually look decent in those unflattering J.Jill & Judy dresses, accidentally brushing up against him thereby reminding the poor sucker he has 21 months left before he can date again (dang it memories!) Honestly, most guys prefer a non-RM girl, because we all made pacts in the field that we would never ever have to bring one of those back to the reunion. A fate such as that just meant we either didn't do enough contacting in the rain, or we just couldn't hold on to the rod. Also in the back of our mind the question remains, "Really, you didn't have anything else going on in your life?" So just make it easy on yourself and say you did a study-abroad or save that "I served a mission too" line as a quick Get Out of a Relationship Free card

Mistake #27 Bling Bling Bimbos

2009-02-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

New York, NY-I'm sitting here in the Manhattan 8th (YSA) ward sacrament meeting. Looks like Fashion Week started a day too early for these budding fashionistas. I've visited a lot of wards, but never have I seen such a blatant attempt to mock television at such an alarming rate. OK, we've got Lipstick Jungle in the middle row, Sex in City on the stand, Gossip Girl giving a talk, ANTM in the overflow, Project Runway coming in a little late, and even a bit of What Not To Wear texting on her Blackberry. Anthropologie has definitely left its emaciated little stamp on this congregation as well.

The girls are very plentiful and what little guys I see here, they either got a girl in tow or they are trying to find that key out of the closet. Where have all the men gone? Well, by the looks of it, they were blinded by the bling and left for Old Navy fields. Seems like these girls don't need a ring, since there is one on every single finger. You would have thought this was the grazing pasture for the new breed of The Real Housewives of New York City. Girls these guys aren't fooled. Girls with a lot of jewelry don't come off as having a lot of money, they come off as having a lot of someone else's (daddy's) money.

Girls, even if those rings and faux pearls are Claire's specials, you are sending a very blatant message to the recent laid-off I-bankers, Money Ain't A Thang. Apparently the recession hasn't caught up with them, but the wrinkles have. Did I mention I was in church? Oh good, because I certainly didn't feel like it. Here's a quick suggestion: Turn down the expensive a notch. You can still dress nice without a bedazzle overkill. A nice pair of earrings and matching bracelet will suffice. Rings with rocks bigger than your knuckles are ridonkulous and no serious guy is going to fall for that hot mess of crap.

Don't tell me you're not dressing for anyone else either. Unless you can honestly say that your 3 inch heels, chandelier earrings, tunics, and tights are keeping you warm and comfortable, then you're definitely projecting yourself. I get it, you've all made it in the City so you splurge. Congratulations, well done! Here's a virtual pat on the back, but save it for your swanky cocktail parties and not church.

Oh, note to straight LDS men with lots of money and/or a good job (New York isn't cheap)...I was very much impressed with the attractiveness. Relocate here immediately! No leathery fruit roll-ups here. These girls will be fine, once they take off their armor(physically & figuratively)...

I'm Still On Vacation. XOXO

2009-02-17T16:13:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

I am taking a short respite from the blog. No worries, I’ll be back tomorrow, but I just need to extend my 3 day weekend one more day. While I am at it, I just want to clear up a few misconceptions with a cliche 25 random things post.

1) I am fully aware that my grammar and spelling is atrocious. My blog was never meant to mirror Strunk & White’s Elements of Style. Besides, I write these posts at 2 and 3 in the morning.

2) Besides me there are 3 contributors. 2 single guys (EQP & WML) and 1 married woman (CSL). None of my contributors know each other, but I know all of them. However, they haven’t the slightest idea who they are contributing their posts to.

3) I am aware of the few articles that are floating around about this blog. However, I am pretty sure that the whole anonymity thing cancels out any notions of me wanting fame and recognition. I think I’ve garnered enough animosity that if found I would receive a slow painful death.

4) I am not a snitch, so I will not reveal any of my contributors, even if I get caught. You’ll never make me talk!

5) I apparently don’t know the difference between satire, irony, light humor, sacrilege, cynicism, blasphemy, or sarcasm. My bad. Maybe I should label the style of each one of my posts from here on out. Doubtful…

6) Contrary to popular believe, I am not gay nor am I a woman. My knowledge of “female terminology” is just my acute awareness of the female psyche. Hopefully this increases my odds of winning Jeopardy! one day.

7) I don’t hate or feel bitter toward girls; I just think you are funny.

8) Yes, I am not married, but it’s not because I am insensitive. It’s because I am overly sensitive.

9) If you don’t like to read my blog…great! However, you look silly posting a 5 paragraph statement acknowledging the reasons thereof.

10) I have better things to do with my day than write blog entries. Yes, I am gainfully employed.

11) Trying to find my location by having me click on your blog is so old school. I’ve been throwing fake IP addresses around since 2003. Try to keep up.

12) I have 422 different names emailed to me that are accused of starting this blog. Wow, a lot of you have some trust issues.

13) I don’t get offended from your comments, but it does tell me a lot about your self-righteous tendencies.

14) No matter how much you chat with me on Gmail, I am not going to slip and reveal anything telling about myself.Why are you chatting with a random guy anyway? Awkward and a little desperate.

15) The blog hasn’t changed authors, but I am trying to tinker with various ideas and ways to make this continually enjoyable.
16) If anyone wants to add advertisements for a nominal fee just email me. In the end, it’s all about the Benjamins right?

17) I receive a lot of emails suggesting that some of you are thinking about starting your own blog to counter mine. I’m still waiting and one post doesn’t count.

18) Your death threats to me are pretty dang cute. You know the idea of some RM Sister missionary looking to “knock me off” keeps me restless at night.

19) Come to think of it, I really am not sorry for the sister missionary post. I will probably revamp it and repost it soon. Email me for a copy if you just can’t wait.

20) Most visitors come from Utah, California, New York, Massachusetts, Virginia, Arizona, D.C., Idaho, Texas, and Pennsylvania.

21) The most curious cities are Provo UT, Salt Lake City UT, New York City NY, Orem UT, Midvale UT, Arlington VA, Cambridge MA, Boston MA, and Sandy UT.

22) Speaking of Cambridge and Boston. You guys have ostracized one guy in particular for starting this blog. Mr. Dave Alba, my apologies, but people in your Stake really have it in for ya.

23) For those of you looking for Seriously So Blessed you have the wrong page. It's here.

24) Thank you for finding time in your day to read my blog. I know your professors and employers have the same sentiments.

25) One day I’ll run out of crap to blog about, so enjoy it or hate it while you can.

And one more to grow on...

26) Don't take this personally and decide this blog is worth killing yourself over. I've got 99 problems but a single Mormon girl ain't one.

Your one and only...

P.P.

Mistake #26 Parade of the Floozies by CSL

2009-02-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

You are cordially invited to the semi-annual Parade of the Floozies.

When: First Fast Sunday of each semester
Where: The pulpit
Who: Anyone wanting to put a star next to their picture on the ward menu
What to do: Lots of make-up, big hair and fake tears

Please plan for meetings to go approximately 1 hour longer than scheduled.

Here's your script:

Hi, my name is (insert first name here). But you can all call me (insert ridiculous nickname here). I just wanted to let you all know that I am so excited to get to know all of you this semester. (Flip your hair). I just love all of you, even though I don't know you I can already tell just by the look in your eyes that I will totally love all of you. You have such special spirits and I can't wait to get to know you. (Another hair flip, please). I totally love my roommates and no matter what anyone else says, I have the best roommates ever. (Wipe a tear) And we have the best bishop in the whole entire church. He is just so inspired.

If your feeling extra spiritual, declare that you don't have words to describe your testimony, so you will sing a hymn instead.

Close your "testimony" and sit down.

So, in all honesty, most guys do enjoy watching the parade. It saves them the trouble of going through the printed menu later.

But imagine what would happen if every single girl out there stopped joining the parade. If all of you chose not to participate, it would be beneficial in so many ways.

First, we could bring the Spirit back into that meeting. Rather than testifying of roommates, we could testify of Christ. Unheard of, I know.

Second, the guys would have to work a little bit harder to figure out which girls are the easy ones. If its not waved in front of their face, maybe they would take some time to get to know girls in the ward before categorizing them as old hens and spring chickens. But its pretty easy to make the distinction during the parade.

Third, we could all get out of meetings an hour earlier. It is Fast Sunday after all, and no one likes having to listen to their stomach growl as accompaniment to the festivities.

If you really do want that star next to your picture in the ward menu, become a Cookie Floozy. That way, you can also make sure your prettier-than-you roommate eats a ton of cookies and gets fat, thus getting a big fat 'x' through her picture. Great way to take out the competition.

Mistake #25 You Keep Him Hanging On...(woo, ooh!)

2009-02-12T14:05:00.000-08:00

(Seriously, cut the strings already...)

You girls are ridiculous. Period. Why in the world are you still dating the same guy who hasn't made any progress whatsoever? I can see a stagnant relationship after like a few weeks (we get nervous yo!), but a few months that lead into a few years? Well, if you are in this predicament you deserve to stay single. After awhile when things aren't moving in your so-called "relationship" get the "H" out! What are waiting for? Oh I know... for him to say, "Oh my bad babe, I just had a brain fart for the last 2.5 years. Let's get married!?" Do you realize for every girl trying to make this relationship work, there is a guy trying to find a way out?

And you probably do think it's his fault. Remember when you point a finger, three fingers are pointing back at you. It's your fault, because you are probably railroading the guy to stay in the relationship with your non-important "problems" and your overactive "hormones". Hormones? Really? So you're going through stuff most women go through at 55? Please. I'm not buying that crap, so why should you subject that to him? Let him out and make it seem like it's your idea. You'll figure out who are the keepers and who have just wasted the prime baby making years of your life. If you're mature enough to date, then you're mature enough to stop complaining to your girlfriends and get out.

Well, let's just look at the ramifications to this situation. Let's just say, for kicks and giggles, your obtuse lack of intelligence allows you to stick with him another 3-4 years and finally he's pressured from you, his family, his friends, the Church, and Obama to "make an honest woman of you." You really want to know why 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Well, it's stupid crap like this. If dude is not making an effort, you're not worth it to him. Did you hear me? You're. Not. Worth. It. I hope those are some sobering words to your sad relationship, because apparently you're not listening to reason anywhere else. Spoiler Alert: And if you think things will turn out like Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck in He's Just Not That Into You, then maybe I should pity you instead of ridiculing you.

If you're the doormat type, email me because I got some dirty shoes with crap on the bottoms. If not, drop his ace like a bad habit.

The Grooming Station #2 Lying Is Wrong & You'll Eventually Get Caught

2009-02-11T17:31:00.000-08:00

Lying to a girl is similar to crack cocaine, because it's such a freaking high when you get away with it, that you got to do it again and again. However, lying doesn't a path of success in your relationship forge. Even before you start dating, girls already have on their trust radar. They're very aware of the guys who are always "joking" "kidding" or "messing around." As funny as these jokes or "little white lies" are to you, the last thing a girl wants is a lying guy in a relationship. If you think that you are a catch but express this quality, you better start gaining some trust instead of crank calling. This is especially true with the second halves, because more than likely they have had a few guys lie to them already and now they need honesty in their lives. Girls don't trust us as it is, look at their evidence:

1) Satan
2) George Bush
3) Bill Clinton
4) All of Major League Baseball
5) James Frey
6) Stephen Glass
7) Jim Carrey in Liar Liar
8) Jim Carrey in Yes Man
9) Every father who said they preferred having all girls
10) Frank W. Abagnale
11) O.J. Simpson
12) Baron Munchausen
13) Richard Nixon
14) Jack Kelly
15) Ex-boyfriends
16) Barack Obama (pending)
17) Walt Whitman
18) Mark Twain
19) Al Capone
20) Ernest Hemingway
21) Jayson Blair
22) Milli Vanilli (R.I.P Vanilli)
23) Pinocchio

And that's just scratching the surface! Once you lie and get caught, it's like a brand new ball game, because your girl has got the upper hand. She has every bit of a right to turn on the crazy switch when you don't show up on time, smell a little "fragrant", or forget to do something. Some girls are forgiving. Actually a lot of kind, understanding, foolish girls are forgiving, but you shouldn't exploit that arena too often. When girls stop forgiving and you still want to make it work, that's when they'll crush your balls and bring you down. Remember how much girls talk? Well, they will again and again til every girl you've come in contact with thinks you are worse than Chris Brown beating on Rhianna. Oh btw, don't hit girls...kiss girls. Once a girl stops trusting you, you either do 2 things:

1) Do something extraordinary sweet that it trumps the fact that you're an a-hole
2) Lick your wounds, move on, and hope she doesn't start talking.

There are varying degrees to lying, but a lie is a lie. You are misrepresenting yourself. Why should you not present who you really are to some chica you really fancy? There is no need to subscribe to an "enhanced romantic marketing" scheme. If they don't like who you really are then it's their loss. Being yourself is definitely a more attractive quality than posing to be something you're not. Besides, you all hate it when a girl lies to you, why not show her you're a real man and tell the truth. You have been groomed.

Mistake #24 Your Tights Don't Impress Me Much

2009-02-09T19:23:00.000-08:00

(C'mon Sienna, American Apparel was just trying to be tongue-in-cheek...)

Psst...girls, I got a little secret for you. Tights are not pants! It seems that in the past couple of years you have evolved the wearing of tights from the under card to the main event. Tights were never meant for that purpose. Tights are perfect for such activities as ballet, theater, and sports. I'll even throw in a Renaissance reenactment or a particular Beyoncé video as an appropriate usage, but not for going out to the mall, to school, to work, and definitely not on a date. There is something that just screams nakedness when you decide to wear these bad boys without a skirt or shorts. Wait...seriously, don't you realize this? Now I know that you want to accentuate your assets, which I think is great, but Levi's provided the 531 skinny jeans for that function. Skinny jeans does something that tights can never do: they can eliminate chubby thighs from entering. Tights give girls a false sense of security, because some girls should never wear tights. For safety's sake, let's say anything below a size 8 is tolerable. It's like inviting a recovering alcoholic to a free wine tasting. Everyone is invited, but not everyone should come. Also just because they are dark and opaque doesn't mean they're OK. You are definitely not hiding the cottage cheese behind a 60 denier fabric. Tights are not girdles, they will not suck in the fat, nor will they cover those unsightly golf ball-esque dimples. Again, that's what pants are for. Besides, if you get a wedgie...Game Over. To guys you look silly. It reminds us of the nightmares we have sitting up in a classroom with just our tighty-whities on. So in the future, when you are deciding to walk out of the house with just tights on, ask yourself, "Do I want to look fabulous or do I want to look tacky?" If it's fabulous, go run back upstairs and put on a covering, but if it's tacky, I know a street corner in North Las Vegas that needs your services.

Mistake #23 The Chameleon Effect by CSL

2009-02-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

CSL, here, once again. And once again, this is not just something that girls do, but guys do it to.

My husband once asked out a girl that he was impressed by. She seemed wholesome enough. She attended all of her church meetings, never cursed and was quite pleasant to be around. He picked her up, on time, and he experienced the Chameleon Effect.

No longer did this girl present herself as wholesome. She walked out of her bedroom in a tank top that with a neckline that would be referred to as 'plunging' by even the most liberal critic. Her outfit, from head to toe, was designed to show off her assets, to put it kindly. The date didn't last for long.

This example isn't the only way that the Chameleon Effect presents itself. It is the diagnosis of every lie that we may tell about ourselves to attract the opposite sex.

Wipe the shocked look off your face. Yes, I just called all of you liars.

From the girl who pretends that she loves watching pro wrestling in order to snag some time with her crush, to the guy who suffers through the latest Matthew McConaghey/Kate Hudson romantic comedy in order to get some cuddle action, we all have done it at some point in our lives. (How was that for a run-on sentence, all you English majors out there?)

Now, I suppose you're all expecting me to get all Relief Society-ish and start lecturing you on your Divine Nature and how you shouldn't try to be someone you're not, because we are all children of our Heavenly Father. Save it for church.

Don't lure a guy (or girl) to your apartment, pretending to need his/her help with the lastest roommate problem and then try to force a make out session with him/her. (Yeah, I had a roommate do this once. She even licked his face. Goo.)

If your crush isn't trying to spend time with you outside of your time together watching pro wrestling, give it up. That TV time isn't time with you. Its time to watch pro wrestling and hopefully get a free dinner out of it.

Don't present yourself as a Molly if most of your wardrobe looks like something out of a Victoria's Secret Magazine. Don't pretend to be a Peter if your dating success is determined by how many hickies you collected.

And the converse is true. If you are a Molly, be a Molly. If you're a Peter, be a Peter.

*Disclaimer: Yeah, these are the extremes. I know. Not everyone who isn't a Molly is automatically a 'mistress of the night.' But the Chameleon Effect happens on many different levels. Take a look at your dating life and try to find your Chameleon tendencies before you attack me.*

Dreaming Disney #1 Ariel by EQP

2009-02-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

In the early nineties, the animated film industry experienced a renaissance, bringing us such classics as Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and the Little Mermaid (damn those sea shells). As a result, every Mormon girl from the past two generations has spent their formative (and post-formative) years studying the Disney animated cartoon cannon.

Having practically been raised on such wholesome entertainment, many Mormon girls have been brainwashed into patterning their lives after the Disney heroine of their choice.

While I, too, love Disney animated films, I have no delusions of falling in love and marrying Belle, Jasmine, Tink, or Ariel—no matter how tempting it is to get my hands around their animated hips.

Don’t get us wrong. We dig girls with imagination, but dreaming up life as fully-colored, hand-drawn heroine isn’t exactly what we had in mind—it just seems a bit too, what’s the phrase, cartoonishly unrealistic.

Nonetheless, reality is reality. Mormon girls dream life in Disney. So, that leaves men figuring out what character it is that we’re dating. Here is character number one among many:

Ariel (Little Mermaid)Ariel is one of the hot, freshly hatched spring-chickens. She is young, beautiful, and adventurous, striking jealousy in the hearts of many of her older (RS) sisters. When it comes to finding an EC, Ariel shoots for the stars. As if it isn’t enough to want to marry a guy with legs, she has to pick a prince! But while her personality is charming and beauty alluring, beware—Ariel’s got a naughty side, too. She has difficulty obeying her father’s commandments, her curiosity leads to mischievousness (she’s always up to something fishy), she has been known to make deals with the devil, and worst of all, sometimes she can be a bit of a princess!

Mistake #22 That Awkward Guy Has Already Claimed You

2009-02-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes staying single can stem from a string of unfortunate events that come from a funky Y chromosome.

We all have one in our ward or have heard about one of these guys. He is isn't just a little socially awkward, his mutated social skills have the largest set of balls in the world . Every girl sees him, but always tries to avoid eye contact, because that's when they get sucked into his vortex. His main prey are newly moved in sisters who are just trying to make friends. At first he seems harmless, he awkwardly introduces himself and you return his pleasantries. He gets your name and bold enough to get your number. He does this so he can match this number to the one he looks up on the lds.org ward page. He pretty clever and sneaky because Sunday night he does a comphrensive Google search. Those with a little money even goes as far as checking out your history via Lexis Nexis or Intelius. Tuesday you have confirmed him as a friend on Facebook and he starts sending you these uber-flirtatious messages to your Inbox (not your Wall, but your Inbox). Wednesday you hesistantly receive an "invite to chat" on Gmail and he is constantly occupies your chat time you usually reserve for your other 10 friends.

A week has gone by and you're back at church, but this time he is already asking you out. You have no interest whatsoever, but you say, " I'm busy right now, maybe some other time." Wrong Answer. Your life as you know it is about to change. All of a sudden, the guy you were actually flirting with last week isn't paying any attention to you, because psycho guy has already sent a mass text message to the Elder's Quorum claiming you as his girlfriend. You block him on gChat and de-friend him on Facebook, but he texts you 2 minutes later asking if you are mad at him. You tell him, that you are just being overwhelmed with life right now. Things get really sad, when he pulls the Mormon Trump card and says, "I'm just trying to follow through with the bishop's counsel on dating, because he says a lot of girls aren't getting asked out." You cave and feel sorry for the boy. You are about to say ok, but fortunately you read my advice just yesterday. Here's what you do:

1. No matter what, say you have a boyfriend (out-of town lie or proxy new guy in the ward)

2. Find a way to hurt his feelings without others finding out. The last thing you need is a scene.

3. Start crying and say, "I'm struggling with (drugs, alcoholism, STD's, homosexuality) and dating guys is the last thing I need right now

4. This is probably a good time to remind yourself of a phrase that was instilled in your minds during early adolescense: Just Say No
5. Change your cell number, and do not re-friend him on any social networking/IM platforms.

6. If lying isn't working, lie some more. Remember, repentence is just a reverent kneel away.

7. Spread this info to all new girls.

This guy will become more persistent than those pesky volunteers urging you to vote. But you must ride this out. Eventually (this might take awhile...) he'll get the message, and soon his Mail-Order bride will have shipped him off into the married ward.

Mistake #21 The Marriage Interview by CSL

2009-02-04T14:15:00.001-08:00

No, not the one to get the temple recommend either. The one that seems to happen on first dates. The one that determines your date's FSP (future spouse potential). And lest either gender get upset, this is a mistake of both.

I have to give my cousin props. She went on one of these dates and hated every minute of it. Then, when the guy asked her out for a second date, she turned him down. He asked her why, and she responded "I'm just not ready to marry you. I'm glad my answers on your quiz last week were the right ones, but I don't want you to think that makes me the right one." Harsh? Yeah. But it opened up a discussion about what he should do next time he asked a girl out. And the guy thanked her at the end of the conversation.

The marriage interview functions a lot like a job interview.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

How many children do you want?

Do you dye your hair?

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

How close are you to graduating?

Do you feel okay about working outside the home after we...I mean...you have kids?"

Girls, you tend to ask these questions as well.
"How much money do you make as an (insert profession here)?

Do you pick your socks up off the floor?

Do you buy the newest gaming system right when it comes out?

Do you attend church on Superbowl Sunday?

How do you feel about watching TV at all on Sundays?"

Now, most of these questions are innocent, although, I would hold off talking about your children until you're a bit closer to being engaged. However, when fired off with little discussion between answers, the date is awkward. The party being interrogated gets scared, just like my cousin.
I once went out with a guy who insisted I answer the hair dyeing question. He told me that he wouldn't consider even dating someone who wasn't a natural red head. He thought he was narrowing down the playing field. I suppose he was right. No girl would go out with him after that got around. Doesn't get more narrow than that.

Girls talk to each other. Guys talk to each other. They will tell other people if they were quizzed on their FSP. Don't think of it as gossiping; think of it as helping a friend avoid an uncomfortable situation.

I hope all of you can find an EC as wonderful as mine!

The Grooming Station #1 Ignoring is not Adoring

2009-02-03T15:24:00.000-08:00

Guys. It's your turn. As much as I know some of you guys enjoy the constant beratement of the phenomenon so adequately named The Single Mormon Girl, they haven't screwed up alone. A large reason why these girls stay single is because we pronounce many qualities not deserving of their time and attention. Hopefully through these posts, we can understand what they really want and finally follow through in becoming a desirable Single Mormon Boy.

Notice the Report Card above? Well, this particular guy is doing well in many important and trivial things. However, guy is performing poorly in his relationship. Having a girlfriend is the easy part, but keeping her a central figure in your life is a whole new barrel of monkeys. Most of the other activities are already innate activities that we have done day in & day out for quite some time. Girls are different, we have to acknowledge that they are a part of our lives, because just bringing them along for the ride just won't cut it. The goal is having someone we can relate to at all times and not just during moments of fun and intimacy. When we eventually get married, we're stuck with them, so we might as well involve them in aspects of our lives now. Who cares if she's not interested, because I'm sure there are a slew of activities she does that doesn't interest you. The goal is compromise and sometimes having her get involved in your interests or you getting involved in her activities help form an appreciation of differences. Having buddies are great, but we sometimes get caught up in how cool it is to have friends that the girlfriend is the afterthought. Having guy time doesn't justify ignoring the girlfriend. Include the girlfriend in your hang outs. You like her don't you? Show her. You don't have to bring her to every little thing, but if you are working late or have unexpected plans give her a quick heads up call without feeling like it's a chore. Listen up when she's talking. Usually she's dropping subtle hints that are crucial for birthdays, anniversaries, and other delightful surprises. Master the art of making her feel special and important now and you won't have to worry later. You have been groomed!

Mistake #20 The Burp, An Unpardonable Sin

2009-02-03T08:22:00.000-08:00

There are a select few girls that have apparently hemorrhaged in the manners department of the brain. Although this is definitely not common, it does happen more than it should. Belching. Seems like daddy's little girl emulated daddy too much. Now, I grew up in a time where when one belches, a polite "Excuse me" was customary for both sexes, but I guess times have changed. I get how movies want to celebrate the belch or flatulence in crude male behavior, but I'll leave that to the thespians of the world. However, in recent years the revelry that accompanies a belch has trickled into the female psyche. Granted, I thought it was kinda funny the first time I heard a girl belch, but I guess over time some girls find it commonplace in their lives. One particular belch caught me off-guard when I witnessed this guy's girlfriend perform the "Burp and blow". Two weeks ago I participated in the Newport Beach Restaurant week (good eats for cheap) with a buddy and his girlfriend*. We just wanted to do a little something special for our ladies in tow because money isn't superfluous from either of our pockets. So we headed over to Tradition by Pascal for their prix fixe meal. The conversation & atmosphere was great, the food was excellent, and then the bottom fell out. My buddy's girlfriend let out a weak little belch, but she turned to my buddy and blew in his face. She grinned and kissed his cheek. I lost it. The fact she had the audacity to do that was sick enough, but we had just finished our French Onion Soup and that nauseating smell just waifed around the table. My date also agreed that was in poor taste, but what goes on during the thought process that says this is appropriate on any level? I spoke to my buddy later about this situation and he said it's one of those things he can't stand about her. They have since parted ways, but even the first time should have been unforgivable. This is definitely the extreme, but I have noticed this creep up in many an informal meal or get together. We give girls the courtesy of holding all of our bodily functions in until after we have bid you a good night. Can't you wait as well?

* Since she wasn't LDS, I'm pretty confident she won't find out about this post.

Mistake #19 Making Him Wait Makes You Impossible to Date by CSL

2009-02-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

(Making me wait is like game, set, and match...you lose.)

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Lets talk about this practice of making him wait when he picks you up. At the beginning of the semester, you and your roommates all went to the outlet malls to find your 'date' outfits. You already know what you're going to wear. The hot topic in the apartment lately has been whether your hair should be straight or curly or in a ponytail or left down. (For the record, leave your hair down, only do it curly if its naturally curly. Crunchy hair product is not attractive) You probably skipped out of class or work early to make sure you had time to prepare for the night's festivities. Your roommates have spent the afternoon helping you with your make up, hair and choosing the perfect lip gloss. You reward your favorite roomie with the power of opening the door when Great Guy comes to pick you up.

The scene:

Great Guy: "Hey, is Great Girl here?"
Fave Roomie: "Yeah, she's getting ready. It'll be a few more minutes."(Great Guy looks at his watch. Movie starts in 15 minutes. Good thing he Fandango-ed.)
Fave Roomie: "You can sit if you want."(Giggling from the bedrooms/bathrooms. Muffled talking, asking about what Great Guy is wearing. If the pink you're wearing is okay with the maroon he is. Why does it matter if you match anyway?)

10 minutes later...
Fave Roomie: "She's almost ready, I swear."
Great Guy: "Oh, okay, no big deal."

But it is a big deal. There's no way you're going to make it to the movie on time. The message you've sent to Great Guy is not a positive one. You've illustrated that you're high maintainance and that you lack the common courtesy of doing what you say when you say you will do it.It is perfectly acceptable to answer the door yourself. Greet the Great Guy and say "Let me grab my purse. I'll be just a moment." Go to your bedroom, tell your roommates that he looks great and do a final (and quick) spin in front of the mirror. And proceed out the door, on time. A guy doesn't mind being accomodating, but he does mind it when you abuse him.If you are constantly late for dates, you make it impossible for Great Guy to plan anything. Girls are constantly complaining about guys who ask them out and then don't have anything planned. How can a guy plan a date if he doesn't have a time frame? Do yourselves (and all of the Great Guys out there) a favor and spare the 10th layer of lipgloss and the last few squirts of hairspray while your date sits on the couch waiting. No one needs that much on their lips or in their hair anyway. Punctuality makes you prettier. And what girl doesn't want that extra help? Totally love you all and good luck finding your EC.

W.M.G.S.S. Exposé: Oh,You're Not Getting Home Taught?

2009-02-02T01:06:00.000-08:00

Laie, Hawaii-It's the last Sunday evening of the month and you're getting that "not so loved feeling" right now. Another month has now gone in the books where you haven't been visited by your Home Teachers. So the next week you get in touch with your Elders Quorum President and start inquiring about if you still have Home Teachers or not, and the EQP says, "he'll look into it." Oh my sweet sisters you have fallen into the Home Teaching Black Hole. I know many of you aren't aware of this phenomenon, but it's out there and is working at ward near you.

Let me give you a behind the scenes take on how you and all of your fellow sisters are being set up for Home Teaching. First, your Elders Quorum Presidency takes a look at the "Ward Menu". Just like most things in life, guys want to have a system in place where order is achieved. This is called the "Home Teaching Draft." Now the draft is a little different than your run-of-the mill Fantasy football league, because the draft is skewed in favor of the Commissioner (EQP) and his goons (1st & 2nd Counselors). The Presidency has the top three picks and these usually consist of the most desirable women/apts. After these are taken, then the remaining draftees are dispersed amongst the rest of the quorum. The most loyal members and members with incentives (tickets, vacation homes, access to attractive women, etc.) usually end up with the high lottery picks which allow them to receive the next most desirable women.

When the draft is over, the Presidency passes out the lists to the guys in the quorum. This is filled with much anticipation, because here one sees how their loyalty paid dividends or just didn't make the cut. Here we experience muted joys of celebration (complete with high fives and hand pounds) and scenes of sorrow (the pat on the back, the slumped disposition, or the realization that you have an "all dude" teaching pool). The President, without fail, gives his obligatory speech on how all the sisters should be taught and none neglected, as he and his henchman have thoughts of teaching their future wives in the next few hours. The desirable women get home taught and the ones that didn't make the grade...well, it's pretty much a crap shoot. These guys, feeling that all is lost until their next move or changing of the guard has taken place, become more elusive than a Hermès “Birkin” bag. The Presidency will always have their teaching complete, unless they already have someone wearing their chain. But if that falls through, they already have the #1 rated reserve in their arsenal.

Girls, don't feel bad about this setup. Natural selection isn't your fault. Sometimes there are glitches in the system, maybe a more desirable girl makes the unfortunate mistake of shacking up with with some "projects" or maybe your roommate poses a "conflict of interest" with your teachers (ex's, stalkers, siblings). But don't fret, these guys only come around once a month, however, if you really get fed up with not getting taught, the Presidency will, "look into" getting you some more guys that may be less desirable than you. Isn't it great when a happy equilibrium is established!

Suggestion #8 Nix the Flip Flops

2009-01-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

A word of advice. It's January. Most of the Northern Hemisphere is still pretty freaking cold. So, why do you want to wear your Rainbows every single day of the year? I don't want to hear you say, "Well, I'm from Montana," or "I'll be alright, I won't be outside long," when you are sporting some blueish/purple toes. What are trying to prove, that you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl? Isn't there like an unspoken rule that along with white shoes, that flip flops should be a no no after labor day? Let's just say you bought those shoes in June. Well, that's 6 months of dirty feet in those shoes. Do you think that it is appealing when you take your flip-flops off and stick those filthy, germ-ridden feet on our couches and ottomans. It pretty much rivals putting our shoes on your coveted Restoration Hardware sheets. Be a classy lady and buy some pumps or shoes with clean socks. If you really want to show some skin, pick up a pair of slingbacks or peep-toes. And finally my pet peeve:Under no circumstances is it alright to wear flip flops to church. Matching church wear with flip flops is like saying it's OK for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon to not sign a prenup. You're beautiful girls! Have a great weekend & I'll see you at church!

Mistake #17 Facebook Photo Tagging by EQP

2009-01-30T09:33:00.000-08:00

(Girls, this is how we feel when you tag the crap out of us...)

The minutes of a girl the day after spending an evening with Prince Charming:

12:13:23 – Facebook photo: click

12:13:31 – Tag this photo: click

12:13:34 – Select a person (herself): click

12:13:41 – Select another person (boy with whom girl’s psychotically obsessed): click

12:13:49 – Done Tagging: click

12:14:03 – Next Facebook photo: click…

One half hour later…

12: 37:13 – Facebook photo: click

12: 37:19 – Tag this photo: click…

Remember the bit Peter P. wrote about on being too aggressive on Facebook? Well this isn’t quite as obsessively infatuated as relationship status requests, but it still scares the holy underpants off of guys.

We know you’re obsessed with this Prince Charming and would gladly be the Molly to his Peter. But is it necessary to tag yourself and him in every photo the two of you are in!? Hell no!! He doesn’t want each of your 136 mutual friends (and change) to see the two of you tagged in 14 photos on their Newsfeeds. Nor does he want to explain to the three other girls he’s seeing how the two of you aren’t ‘an item.’ Girls, this is called passive-aggressive and it’s a no-no (shame on you). So, next time try tagging just your favorite photo (not photos) from last night’s euphoric evening. If you go any further than that, we can guarantee you that Prince Charming isn’t going to be too happy with you especially if you’ve successfully scared away those other ladies.

Speaking of which, don’t ever tag yourself and your obsession in photos from your first date months after the fact (have some dignity, please). We know what you’re doing. And no, it doesn’t throw us off when your roommate does the tagging for you.

Suggestion #7 Less is More

2009-01-29T08:34:00.000-08:00

As many of you have expressed, "It's what's on the inside that counts." But if that's the case why do you blatantly spackle your face with makeup? I'm not a cosmetologist, nor do I have the urge to run down to the Dallas Roberts Academy to learn, but isn't makeup supposed to enhance your facial features? When our dates show up with their faces 10 times lighter or darker than the rest of their bodies, we're thinking, "Why is she packing so much glorified dirt on her face?" It's just as much of a hassle trying to keep that crap from falling off your face and onto our clothes as it is to apply that mess. The worst is when you have a distinct dividing line between the plastered face, hairline, and neck. Now I understand the "powdering your nose" gesture girls like to throw out on you. Ok, we all, one time or another, have had some sort of complicated skin, but why clog up the situation with concealer and powder. Let your faces breathe every once in a while. Take the Accutane, use the Murad, try some Clearasil. The difference between guys and girls is that you tend to rely on quick fix solutions to a nagging problem. Know why few men have complexion problems after their missions? They let the problems run their course. I know running around with a naked face is somewhat of a faux pas or embarrassment to some of you, but be strong and get over it! It's like wearing braces. Everyone has to wear those unsightly contraptions, but it's better than being 26, single, and having jacked-up teeth. And for you girls who think we don't notice the crumbly makeup covering the acne, we do. Here are my top ten suggestions:

1) Cleopatra died in 50 BC, leave the extended eyeliner crap for Halloween.
2) If you don't have full lips, it's okay. Don't try to Angelina Jolie us by adding lipstick above your natural lip line. We don't fake you out by drawing additional muscle striations in our arms.
3)When adding eyeshadow, take a quick look in the mirror next to a pic of Mimi Bobeck. If you two resemble even a little, tone it down...a lot.
4) When applying make-up you should be able to blend the makeup with the skin around hairline and neck areas. If not, scrub your face and start over again.
5) If you're sweating through your makeup, don't wear it. It can get nasty.
6) Just because you have eyeliner, blush, lipstick, concealer, foundation, and eye shadow doesn't mean you need to use them all going out.
7) Wearing make-up to the gym is ridiculous. You're supposed to sweat there. (Remember #5)
8) Naked lips with a little gloss or nude lipstick is all you need sometimes. Continuous red usage puts your look a little on the whorish side.
9) Don't wear blush if you already have Rosacea on the cheeks, silly.
10) If you need to take a break from makeup, do it! Most girls will be fine with just a little mascara.

Could you at least try this out, please?

Mistake #16 Well, Are You or Aren't You?

2009-01-28T08:42:00.000-08:00

(The jury is still out on these two. Lindsay come back!)

The number one double standard I find in my ward is that it's not ok for straight guys to be too close, too friendly, or buddy buddy which each other (which I agree to an extent...) but girls can practically be on each others laps stroking one another's hair and it's totally Kosher. Now girls you might not think this is harmless, but let's switch the roles for a sec. Sure, you might walk hand in hand, have sleepovers in the same bed, or kiss each other jokingly, but can you even imagine this happening to one of your straight guy friends? (I just vomited on my keyboard at that mental image...excuse me as I clean up.)

No, you would think they were a couple of Sigfried and Roy's! So when you start spending all(this is not an exaggeration...) your time with your roommate and you both get these super cute pixie haircuts, don't be surprised when we get a little suspect and hesitant to ask you out. The part that I don't get is that you are constantly connected to the hip. I hope this lesbianistic approach isn't a way to fill a void. Are you trying to play out the mission you didn't serve, devoid of all the tracting and isolation? However, if you are a member of the GLBT society, great! But could you at least give us a heads up. I mean, knowing is half the battle...

Suggestion #6 Strike when the iron is... cold? by WML

2009-01-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

Maybe even frozen. Remember how you don't stand a chance against the spring/summer chickens? Everybody wants summer love, but summer may not be the best time to find it. If you live anywhere besides Phoenix or Southern California, you're probably up to your pretty little (or not-so-little...) hips in snow, nursing a more or less constant cold, and generally freezing your rump off.

Guess what? So are we. Wouldn't you just love to have somebody to cuddle with in this lousy chill and watch movies? So would we. I once had a bishop who was fond of saying that romance can bloom in every season, but particularly when we're hot and bothered or cold and bored. If you can't remember the last time you found a guy you liked in the former state, you might try your luck with the latter.

So here's how you work the system.

1. You do your darndest not to let yourself go uggs during the winter. Shave your legs, even though you're wearing pants (helps the attitude). Take advantage of winter fashion. Layers are great for dressing up a package that has a few more pounds than you might like. Wear attractive clothes and bright colors. No matter how much you have to drug yourself or shun your roommates, stave off the cold. When we see you looking vibrant and alive all winter you start to look pretty good, especially when the better looking girls start to let themselves go. Keep your lips from chapping and they'll look more and more inviting as the winter keeps on.

2. Make yourself abundantly available. Call and invite us over for a movie or Sunday dinner. When we shoot you down (hey, we get these calls quite often so be patient) call us a few days later. Be careful, because this can be easily overdone, but if you make your interest known we can usually be persuaded to do something that takes little effort on our part. Offer to come to the guys place for a movie. Bring a soft blanket, and we'll Febreeze the boy smell.

3. Once you snag us, you gotta hook us. Use the winter to make us realize your beautiful qualities. So when the ice melts and the spring chickens start poking their heads around, we'll know we've already found one worth roosting with all year long.

Happy hunting.

Mistake #15 Stubble Trouble

2009-01-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

SENSITIVE SUBJECT ALERT!!!
Girls, how do I put this? Ok, running into hairy situations are not that appealing to us. I can talk all day about your legs. I get it, it's winter you're cold. You'll wear trousers and be done with it til Spring. Fine. Whatever. But your face? C'mon girls help a bro out. When we see images of thin lines above the lips across the room, we are just hoping it's a mirage. This is just a lack of not even trying to care. You're telling the world look at me and my stash. Nothing else really matters after that point. Here's a quick hair-raising experience a guy emailed me:

I had been hanging out with this one particular girl for a while... Things were moving along pretty easily and smoothly... I had noticed that there may have been some random hairs on her face but gave her the benefit of the doubt of being a human being and did everything in my power to ignore such an unfortunate hereditary disease... So, one day we finally kissed... Usually this would be an experience that could make or break a relationship... As we kissed for a minute or two I started thinking to myself, "I feel kind of badly because I should have shaved today so that I don't start chaffing this girl's face." Then, the terror set in as I made a realization, I HAD SHAVED THAT DAY!!! I was feeling HER lip whiskers on MY face! I had to do everything in my power to not puke in her face and casually and calmly end what could have turned into a great make out sesh... Since that day, I have never been able to look at her the same let alone kiss her... She actually asked me one time a few weeks later why it was that we had only kissed the once and then never again... I had to pull the sensitive card and lie to her that kissing wasn't that important to me at this point in the relationship and that I just wanted to get to know her better and let things flow... To make things worse, one day we were talking on the phone and when I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was waxing her eyebrows... Then she said that she did not know why she had just told me that... Then, testing the waters and pushing the limits a little bit, I said to her that it was fine to say that, but if she had said something like she was waxing her beard then that would be a strange thing to say to any guy... She then countered with, "oh I would never wax my face!" My heart sunk with hopelessness as I realized the utter ignorance of this poor girl...

See girls it's like you are doing this purposefully. But in your defense, dude should have seen that hot mess of a stash before the lip lock. I know that there are products out there. Even I tried this once to help out my girlfriend's sensitive skin. We don't want to know why you are getting these stashes (hereditary, PCOS, lack of estrogen, dark hair on fair skin, etc.) we just plead with you to make it gone. Some first steps would be bleaching and shaving, but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. (Insert your favorite Palin joke here.) Some better alternatives are tweezing, waxing, and dipilatory creams. However, why suffer week-in and week-out with these suggestions? Drop the coin you were planning to spend on Clinique, MAC and Mary Kay products and head over for some electrolysis or laser-hair removal. Suggestion: Ask daddy if he can help you get smooth on the face. Dads eat that crap up, and there's your coinage!

Mistake #14 Failing the Public Relationship Litmus Test

2009-01-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

This is for all the chickadees (18-21 year olds) out there. Most of the second halves have gone through this before, so I think they feel you going through this uninformed is like a rite of passage for all single women. Aren't you glad I'm here? So you're in love, right? You and your new guy/boytoy have such wonderful dates and are so passionate & intimate together alone. You feel like he's the one and you start whispering to all your little girlfriends about how ridiculously perfect he is. But there is a little problem. You grab his hand on a walk amongst friends and he pulls away. You give him a little kiss on the cheek at church and he's like,"Hey, enough with the PDA!" You introduce him as your boyfriend to some of your single friends and he has that little awkward fidget and half-heartedly says something faint and unpronounceable. You think he's just shy and you try to please him more in private to get him to open up more in public. Big Problem. Girls you're getting played by a PLAYA! Dude's acting coy because he's hookin' on the DL with your visiting teacher supervisor. When single guys have a smorgasborg of opportunity they like to "graze." Just like cows, we graze in one little patch for awhile and if it becomes less palatable we find another part of the field to graze in. Sometimes we go from coast to coast, ward to ward, or even door to door (Avenues where my Playas at!) Mormon guys are simply lushes. If we're liking your goodies, trust me, we'd be holding that hand & accepting that kiss anywhere. To get your guy trained, hold off the lip service for a couple days. Then invite him over while your friends are there. Please make sure you tell them you're doing this beforehand so they aren't just grossed out by your final attempt to leash onto your guy. Welcome him in with a prolonged kiss. If he takes the bait with the crowd, you can C'est la vie your girls. If he fails and is still embarrassed, drop his ace in front of the girls. It's a win-win situation for you. Now wasn't that easy?

You've Got Problems, I've Got Solutions #1

2009-01-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

(Dating a guy who wants you to eat more is probably the least of your worries...)

Hello everyone! I'm hoping you all had a prosperous, date-filled weekend. Thanks for all your comments! However, using "Anonymous" is so mundane. Be creative if you don't want to use your real name. Here's a comment I felt like answering.

Anonymous said...

Love this blog! You guys are great, however I need some advice... I wouldn't call myself overweight but I was not comfortable with my body, so I decided to do something about it. I've been eating really healthy since Thanksgiving and I feel great. I have a hard time though when I'm eating around guys on a date or just in general. Some give me a hard time and I know a lot of guys say they HATE it when girls just pick at a salad when they take them to dinner; but I also know they'd prefer a healthy, fit girl to take to dinner. How exactly do I handle this, especially on dates? I dread when a guy says "Let's go get some ice cream!" Any advice?

Dear Ms. Metamorphosis,

First off congratulations is in order because 60 days have passed since Thanksgiving. I hope you are seeing improvements physically and are starting to gain more confidence about your body. If you're seriously worried that a guy is going to pass unfavorable judgment on you because you are eating a salad, sacrifice the salad for a steak, stupid! Actually, I would be a concerned. Guys who want to fatten you up have the "Hansel & Gretel witch complex" and are called cannibals, and you should run away from Mr. Dahmer immediately. However, if after you have received a clean, thorough psychiatric evaluation of this guy and you still want to make him happy, you can still feel good about eating a decent dinner. Typically a healthy daily caloric amount is 2000 calories. I recommend (I'm not dietitian, so use your own discretion...) having a decent breakfast, because you burn most of your sedentary calories earlier in the day. If you have time, have a 20-30 min cardio break around lunch. At this time you can also eat your salad. Have a couple of small snacks during the afternoon (dried fruit, nuts, yogurt cups) and then you're good for a splurge in the evening. Get 1-2 appetizers instead an entrée, because most restaurant entrées can feed 2 people easily. Just remember to watch your portions and substitute decadent desserts with tasty fruits and sorbet If after this date you feel that you two hit it off, I'm positive you can feel comfortable telling him your situation about a healthier lifestyle. I'm certain he won't be complaining come Spring Break. You keep this up and your body is going to be rockin' girl!

Peter

Suggestion #5 Dutch? What A Novel Idea! by EQP

2009-01-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

Go·ing Du·tch – a thing girls do to let guys know they like them.

Pronunciation: \gō-iŋ \dəch\

Definition: when a female bears the financial burden for her half of a date.

So you like a boy. What do you do? Try going Dutch. Not on the first date, silly. He'll think you're hinting this isn't a date, at all. But on the second date, when the check comes or you both approach the register, take that plastic out of your little Gucci handbag and tell him you'll pick up his half if he'll pick up yours ;)

It works quite well. Men respond to incentives and two in particular: physical and financial ones. This blog's PG-13, so we'll skip to the financial types. If you want date number three, provide a financial incentive: Go Dutch! What this says to us guys is that we don't need to break our piggy bank to woo you. We dig that. Its about the best thing you can do early on, other than knocking us a little goodnight kiss or two(…). Going Dutch also tells us that you're probably not that high maintenance, fairly level-headed, reasonable, and independent (so attractive).

And for you cultural conscious donne, it's in vogue, too. They're doing it all over Europe including Italy— pagare alla Romana. So, ladies, when you like a guy, pay as they do in Rome, Go Dutch!

Suggestion #4 Accept the Last Minute Date

2009-01-23T08:44:00.001-08:00

(Make the right call and you'll be forgetting about that Girl's Night Out tonight)

Okay, we get it. You've got your own little set of "Rules." It's not a secret anymore. Every Cosmo, Elle, Allure, and Vogue magazine blasts their covers with ways girls can get the upper hand in relationships. I would forget these rules and follow the suggestions of the guys who plan on asking you out. You first must understand the guy psyche. We think about women ALL the time. We're always thinking about ways to get a date out of you, but we don't follow rules. Rules are followed when we become desperate. Most guys are never in situations so dire to be desperate. We always have something available or are playing wingman to the 3 to 1 (4 to 1 in the Boston Longfellow wards...) disparity. Guys do not plan dates too far in advance, unless we have Ticketmaster Tickets (I personally think there is a conspiracy here...) to our favorite band or prepping ourselves to propose. So all this "Call before Tuesday night for a Friday Night date or Wednesday for a Saturday night," doesn't fly with us. People are busy during the week and cool opportunities come to us at the spur of the moment or even last minute. We don't think you're easy or desperate, we just think you're the best option. Maybe we already notice you're not busy on Friday nights. Geez, it's not a crime, we're not always busy either. When we call you, don't be coy and make up an excuse like, "Oh I am going to a girl's night sleepover," because girls only like sleepovers when they don't have dates. Don't lie to us saying, "Tonight's not good, maybe another night when I have more of a notice." More notice for what, so you can cancel your pizza order? We don't ask much, we'll take care of the date, you just shave, shower, and put on a clean top. But go ahead, don't take my word for it, follow your "rules". However, don't get mad because we asked out the girl that always get asked out on dates. I'm pretty sure the reason why is because she knows the game and said "yes".

Enjoy your Girls Night!

Mistake #13 When the McDonald's Monopoly Game Ruins Relationships

2009-01-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

Girls, let me get one thing straight. I don't want you 80 lbs (unless you're 4'9" and are a competitive gymnast.) I appreciate a little meat on the bones, but sometimes there needs to be an intervention...
Recently the country had it's annual McDonald's Monopoly Game Sweepstakes. It's pretty simple, collect the same colored game pieces and win a cash reward. They also have instant win pieces where, you could win food prizes such as McFlurry's or Hot Apple Pies. These contests are pretty much rigged to get people in the doors. The chance of anyone winning the big prizes are as often as Amy Winehouse actually making it through a drug rehab program. But the small prizes are as plentiful as the Freshman 15 Teletubby Girls in Helaman Halls. However, one newly formed couple had a devastating chink put in their relationship when the girl went overboard. It started off as a harmless little game.

Over gChat:
Nick "Hey honey, wanna grab lunch at Micky D's"
Cindy "Really? Why, I haven't been there since I was a kid"
Nick "Well, I just wanted to try out the new Monopoly game that's going on there."
Cindy "Ok, come pick-me up in 15?"

At McDonald's:
Nick "Well, what do you want?"
Cindy "I guess a salad and a bottled water"
Nick "You got to get at least an Extra Value Meal with a large drink to get the game pieces"
Cindy "Fine, I'll get a Grilled Chicken Extra Value Meal and a large Diet Coke"

5 mins later at the table:
Nick "Shoot, I didn't win anything...maybe next year."
Cindy "I won a soft-serve ice cream cone!" "This is kinda fun!"

And so it began. No one really put two and two together, but the girl grew up outside of Atlantic City and her mom was a former Publisher's Clearing House and Powerball addict. Next thing you know, girl has gained 13 lbs and reeked of vegetable oil and potatoes. Dude wasn't upset, just worried.

Nick "Hey babe, is everything alright?" "Can I get you, I mean...wanna go for a jog with me down to the Santa Monica Pier?
Cindy "No thanks, but can we go to Mickey D's tonight? "I just want to get some more pieces for my game board."
Nick "What! You're still playing that game!" "We went to McDonald's like 3 weeks ago!"
Cindy "I know, but I get my girlfriend to grab me something when she goes out to lunch."
Nick "This is why you're getting...
Cindy "Fat?" "Is that what you're aluding to?"
Nick "Well, you've apparently been smuggling Extra Value Meals everyday."
Cindy "Honey, that's fine I cancel it out with a Diet Coke, besides I think my weight gain is hormonal."
Nick "No, that's what larger women say when they are in denial!" "We need to end this now!" "Where is your game piece stash?"
Cindy "Why?" "I'm doing this for us."
Nick "For us?" "We've been dating for 5 weeks and half of the time you've been sneaking fries, nuggets, & Big Macs in your belly." I thought you wore my sweatshirt because you liked my smell, not because you're hiding your eating obsession." "I really care about you, but if you continue with this, it's either bulimia or losing me..."

2 weeks later...

Cindy has gained a total of 0 cash prices, 173 game pieces, 36 food prizes, 22 lbs and a "single" status on Facebook.

Girls, don't be a statistic. Learn from Cindy's mistakes and learn moderation before it's too late.

Mistake #12 Third Wheel? I beg to differ...

2009-01-22T12:36:00.001-08:00

Girls, you're guilty of this. We like you and we want to take you out, but this confuses us a bit. When we formally ask you out (no, "Let's hang out" or "I'm hungry let's eat" b.s.) we expect it to be just two of us. Now, when did you decide that a date included your dateless roommate or another friend? We hear such garbage as, "Can Barbara come along?" or "Stacy is going through a rough patch right now, do you mind?" Hell no Barbara can't come along! She can order delivery, start up a Netflix movie and call it a night. "Stacy's going through a rough patch?" "Well Stacy can go talk to the R.S. President for a couple hours, until you get back." Furthermore, being a third wheel on a date is pretty much the saddest thing to go through. A better suggestion would be to run this scenario in your head first, and if you come out with the same conclusion call the guy and decline. Let me give you a heads up what we are thinking:

1) I get it, you're not that into me, screw you I'm going home! (normal guy)
2) I'm paying for how many meals? (confused sucker)
3) I'm totally going to the most expensive restaurant in town, and take off half way through the meal. (opportunist)
3) How do I get rid of this girl? (universalist)
4) Lord, did I not repent of everything this week? (self-righteous)
5) This girl better be ~~handicapped~~ borderline suicidal. (sadist)
6) Well, here's another night with no action (pessimist)

Ladies, let's go over to the common sense table for a second. If for any reason you want to bring another girl along, call us first. We have resources. You know the term, "Wingman?" Well, this is the perfect opportunity to show you how it works. You got a sad girl friend, then we've probably got a desperate guy friend willing to take her out. Trust us, we always have somebody to blackmail or that needs to return a favor to us. I firmly believe in the phrase, "There is somebody for everyone," especially after some of the wedding announcements I've seen. Now on the other hand, if you're not interested, say you're not interested. Guys usually don't come with much drama and emotion, we can take it. Don't bring another mouth to feed, that just pisses us off and makes the whole night awkward. Oh, and if by some unforeseen reason this girl is actually more appealing than you are, you are totally subject to the roommate/friend switch. You pretty much have no room to speak, because you dug your own grave. I know you're smarter than this...

All Apologies

2009-01-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

Girls & Guys,
I'm feeling pretty remorseful about the Sister Missionary post. From your emails and posted comments you feel strongly that it was way over the top. It certainly was and the ironic thing is I have quite a few close friends and family that have served as Sisters. It was very risky move, which had many unfavorable returns. Well, I took care of it. It's deleted, gone...forever. Moving on.

Mistake #11 Dating the faux "gay" guys at church by EQP

2009-01-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

Remember those guys in high school that are afraid to move on hotties, so instead they pretend to be gay just so they can hang out with 9s and 10s. These guys exist in YSA wards, too, except they don't pretend to be gay. Instead they pretend to be genuinely interested in your mundane life. Their angle is to construe every advancement on you as part of their greater church service. They're hanging out to fellowship, stopping by because your hometeachers don't, and inviting you to their informal "church activities" every other evening. During the process, they hope that somehow they'll magically end up dating you. It's the backdoor approach they live for.

They do things like hawk new girls at church, promise to introduce them to all the cool guys (themselves), get involved in every facet of every committee possible to look sharp in front of the ladies, do frequent check-ups on you even though they're not your hometeachers, treat you like you're still in swaddling clothes, and volunteer to do anything as long as it entails interacting with an attractive female ward member. They usually have an important calling at church, and when they don't, they pretend they do. You find them charming in a creepy 'why are you trying to act like my father figure' sort of way. And while at first you're freaked out by how concerned for your personal life they are , you resist this premonition because you're their special "fellowship project."

But ladies, Beware!—these types have numerous special "fellowship projects," are desperate for affection, unsure of how to express it, secretly socially inept, and about as genuine as your hometeachers that show up on the 31^st. Most importantly, they try to frighten you away from anyone actually worth dating. Because we care about you and don't want you to miss out on any of the genuine Peter Priesthoods or EQPs out there, here are five hints on how to tell if you're hanging out with one of these tools:

He will ask you who you like at church and then shoot down every guy that is not his best friend or him.
When you hang out with a really cool guy you like, he will pull you aside to inform you that your date is a player, nicmos all the time, and is generally an unworthy priesthood holder.
He will tell you who the "good guys" are to date, which all happen to be his oddly similar best friends.
He will tell you who the "bad guys" are, which all happen to comprise the majority of the guys you actually find interesting.
He will want to approve all your relationship decisions, assume some fatherly role in your life, and when you politely suggest that you have hometeachers (and parents, too), he'll act surprised because he is just fulfilling his church duty.

The Inbox: The Doorstep

2009-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

Good Morning!

So this blog has been officially live for one week! 4500 hits isn't bad at all. I would like to thank everyone who decided to flip the curiosity switch and read an entry or two. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but we all get our kicks in different ways and I can respect that. So I have another message from The Inbox I would like to respond publicly to. This one seems a little fishy since she goes by "Molly Mormon," but I obliged, as advertised, to answer all of my emails.

Hey boys!

Thanks for writing your blog and helping sweet spirits like me not be single!!! Your advice has really helped me, and already I got asked out and went on a date with a dreamy RM who just might be my E.C. (eternal companion). Problemo: After the first date, he just dropped me off at the curb and said bye. No walking me to the door, no goodnight hug. Is this normal??? How can we (all the Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods) work together to make door scenes less awkward????

Awkward side hugs,

Molly

Hey Ms. Mormon (very original, but I needn't be calling the kettle black)

I'm honored that you would thank me for helping you get a head start to coupledom. It especially brings me joy when a "sweet spirit" such as yourself is heading toward the "Action Express Train" (all aboard, woo woo!!!) Congrats that you might have found your "eternal companion" and all. So...he just dropped you off at the curb, eh? Well, it saddens me to say this, but the possibility of you having him as your soul mate is about as wishful as:

1) Oprah ever keeping to any of her plethora of diets ( I mean if a billionaire can't find a way...)
2) Kate Moss ceasing her summer "snow" showers or,
3) Getting me to volunteer at Starbucks for 5 hours for a cup of coffee (that's at least $25 at minimum wage!)

But girl, it can be done. Remember what you did on that last date? Don't do that anymore. If you want this man, you better come with it. That's precious that you're waiting for chivalry, but there are plenty of girls in in the Newport Coast (YSA) ward turning a nice leathery, wrinkly orange as they sit waiting on Mr. Hollister and Mr. Abercrombie to get home from Gold's Gym. Flaunt your assets. You know that Shade cami with the lace fringe you got in Rose Petal, Mulberry, Graphite, and Bark? Ummm, don't wear that, show a little waist or muffin top. Intelligence is key. Play the "Maybe Next Date" card. Pick something that you are extremely good at and kick his little trash. You got a hidden interest in card counting from your '07 trip to Vegas? Get a game of 21 going, beat him once, quit and watch him squirm. We hate losing and we will always always always ask for a rematch. Just throw out the "Maybe Next Date" card and you are on to date number two! You want a walk to the door? Pretend you injured your ankle right before you get into the car. He'll feel awful and will examine your foot and maybe play doctor on your ankle (clean feet please...dirty, cracked underfoot is not acceptable for this one!) This one is money because he'll definitely want to use his machismo to carry you to the door (there's your chivalry right there). Oh is it a hug you want? This is where Burberry Brit for Women comes in. One little squirt is all you need for him to fantasize that extended embrace at the front door.

Front Hugging since 1999,

Peter

Mistake #10 My Politics Are Not Your Politics

2009-01-20T09:33:00.000-08:00

In light of the historic events that are happening today in Washington, D.C., I would like to include comments that might make relationships easier to stomach when political differences arise. Just to clarify, this is meant for single girls and guys alike. No one is at fault, because my intentions are not to justify whether there is a right or wrong party. When getting involved in relationships the age old question will eventually arise: "Who are you voting for and why?" To be quite frank, this can be a very sensitive subject to even bring up, so the utmost maturity should be evoked when tackling this topic. Realizing that your ideals are not necessarily the expressed ideals of your significant other should be considered and respected. Being a good listener and having an open mind is worth it's weight in gold when politics are being discussed. You might even learn a thing or two or even embrace some ideas your partner feels passionately about. Even though we are all under the umbrella "Mormon," it doesn't give us the right to assume that there is a "Mormon" political affiliation. Not all Massachusetts Mormons are Democrat and not all Idaho Mormons are Republican. Outliers are everywhere and a state border will never define every individual. Are you struggling with unresolved issues that stem from previous political arguments? Keep communication lines open and allow these differences to be addressed without the fear of being brushed aside or ridiculed, besides I'm pretty sure that a hostile environment isn't the best way to discuss differences. As this last election obviously displayed, the country was virtually split down the middle when it came to which party everyone voted for, so there is a good chance this will be a reality in your relationship. Also some people are more involved with politics than others, so making a partner feel inadequate about their political knowledge doesn't help anyone. Agreeing to disagree is a much better solution than "going to sleep angry." In a perfect world, yes, having the same values, ideas, and beliefs would ideal, but in the words of Paula Abdul, "Opposites Attract!" Happy Inauguration Day everyone and go find someone to celebrate with!

Mistake #9 Facebook Relationship Status

2009-01-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

Ah finally, you have snagged the guy of your dreams! He is creative, witty, intelligent, strong, employed, and handsome to boot. But why is he all of a sudden pissed? Oh that's right you made him confirm that you're in a relationship with him on Facebook! Really? Did you all of a sudden have to take a little sip of the crazy juice? Here's a little dialouge of what could happen...

*Crazy: "Hey so I sent you confirmation on Facebook today."

Scared:"Oh, I haven't had the chance to check that today."

Crazy: "Well it went to you gmail account too today, and I saw that your gChat status was green all day"

Scared: "Oh ok, my bad. How was school today?"

Crazy: "Hey I'm not done yet, why don't you confirm it here on my computer?"

Scared: "Ummm..."

Crazy: "Hmm, it looks like you've already checked that email?"

Scared: "How do you already know my password?"

Crazy: "I saw it over your shoulder last week, silly...so did you read the message?"

Scared: "No, I think it was an inadvertant click, yeah I do that all the time."

Crazy: "Well I just want to make our relationship official on Facebook, Honey!"

Scared: "Why? I just want to keep this relationship between us. The whole world doesn't have to know"

Crazy: "Are you embarrassed of me?" (Crazy begins sobbing)

Scared: "No, Crazy don't cry, it's no big deal..."

Crazy: "No BIG DEAL. WHAAAAAAT!"

Scared: Ok Crazy, I'll confirm.

Crazy: I love you!

Scared: (thinking...WTF!)

2 days later via gChat

Scared: I can't do this anymore.

Scared:(invisible mode)

Girls, just because Facebook has this function doesn't mean you have to use it. Besides you've already validated your status all through Sacrament, Sunday School, Ward Stare, FHE, and the ward talent show. Remember that duet of A Whole New World? Now, so does YouTube. Just keep it between the two of you. You're not engaged yet, and besides if this goes sour you're going to have 20 of your girlfriends asking you on Facebook if you are ok. That just blows.

*Crazy is not representative of all girls, but it's probably the majority.

Suggestion #3 Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

2009-01-16T13:09:00.001-08:00

Girls, I'm back with an oldie, but a goody. Word on the street says some of you girls are skipping bath time and other grooming habits altogether. Tsk, tsk, tsk... First and foremost, skipping showers are a no no. No matter how much you lounged around Saturday reading US Weekly, watching season-long DVD's of Friday Night Lights, and eating the crap out of some cheap dark chocolate, your sebaceous glands are still getting a workout. You don't think you stink, of course you don't. You can't smell yourself, but you're still funky. Here's a couple of suggestions: Soap is fun, use it daily. Shampoo is essential, because we don't like rubbing our hands through oil slicks. Don't tell me that not shampooing for a couple of days is good for the hair. Smell you roommates hair after day one, I promise you'll immediately regret that decision. Deodorant with anti-perspirant's are pretty much golden! If you are sensitive, I've seen natural brands out there. Wash your clothes!!! Masking your dirty clothes with body sprays is sick nasty! It's just like Febreezing the bathroom after "powdering your nose." Walk out and walk back in, now breathe. Still smells like crap, doesn't it. So before you knock on us for being, "stinky sweaty puppies," check yourself, because you probably already wrecked yourself.

Mistake #8 The Summer Chickens by EQP

2009-01-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

(Those interns got you down again...)

The blog has added another lay employee! Get to know EQP (You know what that stands for...)

Everyone loves the summer: the weather's good, the days are longer, school is out, work is light, and more than anything, love is in the air. That's right girls; the warmer solstice and its surrounding months mean, OMG, summer flings! More importantly, these summer flings bear the potential for something special—the chance this fling evolves into a full-on autumn "fall into love" (with a spring wedding attached). So, ladies, what's the problem you ask? The dreaded summer interns!?

Yeah, that's right. Each spring/summer brings a whole slew of female interns into the urban YSA environs—LA, New York, DC, San Fran, Chi-town. You, the long-term female ward members hate this. You claim your reasoning is because they crowd the chapel and classrooms, but we know the real reason why: you can't stand these interns claim jumping 'your' priesthood holders. It doesn't help any that they're new, attractive, friendly, and fun. You draw up yet another Mason-Dixon Line in hopes of protecting your monopoly on the EQ club. But we're guys! We cross lines women draw for us. This infuriates you. We understand why. You want that summer fling with all its righteous eternal potential!

So, why not stop hating the interns and learn from them. There's a reason we spend our summers with them (and it's not just to hit-it-and-quit-it). We fancy summer interns because they're nice, friendly, fun, and come with few preconceptions (about us). We know you've been in the ward for three years going on four AND you think you know every guy. But that's not a reason to be boring and bitter and stay home to watch Gilmore Girls. Its summer, spice it up a bit! We dig girls that are outgoing, spontaneous, and adventuresome. Try it sometime. After all, didn't it work for you on your last internship? ;)

Mistake #7 Preventing the Roommate/Best Friend Swap

2009-01-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

Salt Lake City...we've got a problem. This has been discussed over and over amongst the male species and I think we need to go to the top for some answers. Girls, I really didn't want to do this! Pshhh... yes I did. Frustrating guys for centuries is the infamous Roommate/Best Friend Swap. Many have attempted it, but few have come out with the prized goods. So this is how it pans out: Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy and girl start dating, something unfavorable happens & a breakup ensues. All of a sudden, her roommate down the hall looks extra nice & clean smelling at church. Let's just say, for effect, she just happens to be wearing a little Burberry Brit for Women. Sigh... Guy asks her, "how's it going?" The two chat, she starts giggling a little bit, touches his elbow, and they part ways. But not before he totally asks her out, and she accepts. However, lurking behind the Sunday School room is the ex "eagle eying" the whole convo. Her mission for the next few days is to c-block any attempt he has to win the affections of her roommate AKA "Best Friend". She finds every piece of dirt about the guy and spreads it on the roommate like ashes after a funeral. By the time date night comes around, "Grandma Bonaparte is sick and I need to go visit her."Guy sees through the lie, because (he's such a stellar guy and remembers past conversations) he realize it's Friday night and grandma Bonaparte moved back to France 17 years ago. Girls, I don't know what you consider friends, but guys aren't that conniving...we punch each other in the face and move on. Since a majority of you relate well with high school drama, let's break it down Gossip Girl style. Instance #1: Blair and Nate are the über-couple. Blair has an indiscretion with Chuck. Nate finds out gets pissed at Chuck and moves on. Blair and Chuck are in the clear. Instance #2: Vanessa dates Dan pre-show, then comes back into his life but falls for Nate (Dan's eventual pseudo-friend) and Dan's cool. Now here's the flip side. Jenny hooks up with Nate, Vanessa sabotages Jenny (the letter), then Jenny embarrasses the hell out of Vanessa (remember the shear dress?) The minute Dan and Serena break up, Serena totally humiliates Dan's new girl. Why the double standard girls? Some of you need to take your girl Beyoncé's advice: If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. What do you think?

Mistake #6 Backscratch Fever!

2009-01-15T12:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Colonial 1st Ward(YSA) of the Mount Vernon Stake in Mount Vernon, VA (please...this could be any YSA ward.) Sacrament is just underway and we have: Opening Hymn-Check. Opening Prayer-Check. Sacrament Hymn-Check. Sacrament-Check. Backscratch time!-WTF? Ok, everyone who thinks I'm just bitter toward women-I actually like this one and look forward to this, IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME. However, single girls you are 100% guilty of this one at least 89.63% of the time (some obscure fact on Wikipedia...) But why? Why do you have to start a back rub chain gang? This looks like the type of crap that goes on in a women's prison. I know everybody likes a good back rub, but how sore and tired are you really at 10am? Long day at church already? Those heavy sacrament cups giving you kinks in the neck? It's as if that talk on "What I learned as a Beehive has set me for life" hasn't knocked you out already you need to administer that final knockout punch. You're so selfish!! You know what everyone is thinking, right? I won't generalize this time, so I'll give you a few ideas: Softball teammates, "bff's...riiiiight.", ex-cons, or friends of Lindsay & D.J. Ronson. Maybe you're thinking, "Hey if Adam sees how good I back-rub Lisa, then maybe he'll get interested in me!" Wrong. Your best case scenario is that he is daydreaming that both of you are giving him backrubs. So whatever your fancy is, whether it's "circular motions" "Shiatsu" (distracting) or the "Guess What I'm Writing on your Back Game," save it for your stuffed animals or for your future kids in the Family ward.

The Inbox: Thanks for Responding...

2009-01-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

Good Morning!

After a wonderful sleep last night, I woke up to one of my favorite comments thus far. I mean you guys are amazing. I just love you to death! Oh and I left her a message too! I will always return emails. I removed the names to save your face (you know who you are). Besides, I'm not a relationship-wrecker. Save that for Sienna Miller.

On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 12:55 AM, Some nice young lady wrote:
This isn't hate mail, but it was my favorite choice of comments, suggestions, or hatemail requested by your narrowed plea. What about musings? Maybe you could add that. Wait--I think this just became a suggestion. (Oh snap) I think your blog is hilarious, though necessarily biased. I know who you're talking about--mousy-haired, slightly chubby, pale, smart, English-major Mormon girls who dress as though GAP is the only retail store on the planet. You're forgetting the attractive (I guess in man-speak this means "hot"), intelligent, ambitious girls who complete their educations and pursue careers...oh wait, from the misogynistic entries you must be directing your blog to them too. (So I guess this now just turned into hate mail). I dont' have a problem with you teaching girls how to attract men, but I do bristle at the insinuation that education and career and intelligence automatically mean "ugly." I'm really hot. (Yeah, there isn't anything leading from that, I just wanted to say that I'm hot.) Also, you criticize expensive taste in one suggestion, yet condone it in another. So wait, I can't wear my Mahnolos, but I should wear my Burberry? Your hypocrisy is further exposed by telling girls to look hot. I'm sorry, but Buckle and AE aren't (ha!) gonna clean anyone up pretty. I think it would be interesting to do a partner blog about hot girls who date down--they marry the funny, slightly overweight guy who happens to be really sweet. Or loud, really-not-as-good-looking-as-he-thinks-he-is, life-of-the-party guy who still believes that his popularity in high school entitles him to as many hot honeys as he can score in one NCMO session. I mean, really, I see hot girls with less attractive guys all the time. I married (I tend to think of him more as a boyfriend) someone who isn't as hot as I am. Did I mention that I smell great, give lengthy massages, and LOOK REALLY HOT ALL THE TIME? I also have a great butt. Really firm, slims down into long, shapely legs. Anyway, hot girls marry dumpy guys all the time. This is a pretty non-directional, random email, which is why I didn't have a classification the first place. I figure I might as well try to hit all three requests, so here's a comment, suggestion, and hatemail all in one.
You suck. You. Suck. YOU SUCK.
Have a lovely day!

Hi Mrs. Some nice young lady,
First off, thanks for the suggestion of musings, I will add that to the blog! Second, kudos for taking the time out to write me, your email length suggests more than just a passing interest, but I will refrain from assuming. I like smart girls. Especially smart girls with glasses. You'll read about that post later, I hope...Smart girls are much more palatable during dinner. I know what "hot" means, but I mentioned it because it's a universal term used by my guy and girl friends alike. However I personally don't think it's definitive enough. i prefer "Pukka" but I assumed you and a host of others wouldn't understand that one. I'm all for careers, I don't care what you do, but I hope you're very successful. Misogynistic? I believe one can formulate this as that type of genre, but what piqued your interest to the page? Was it Why, Mormon, Girls, Stay, or Single? The "ugly" comment was a very base generalization and I have learned from my first mistakes. Thanks. Congratulations on being "really hot". Either you are in Key West or you are speaking of your characteristics, because I'm sure you're husband enjoys that you are so secure about your body that you just told a random blogger about it. I personally think your husband is guy I can look up to. I mean he totally tricked you, considering you are 12 times more attractive than him. It's sad you feel this way about your husband, however. Besides girls never marry down. Guy's usually do the proposing, right? There is always an ulterior motive if you claim you do though. How about you tell him yours sometime? Also you are comparing apples to guava. Manolos average easily over 400 dollars and that Burberry perfume I suggested, a measly 30 bones. Actually the Vicky's perfume is more expensive, but that is neither here nor there. Anyways, thanks for the email, I know it was late when you wrote this and maybe and your husband's was probably waiting for you to finish up this email. Your priorities are a little off, by the way. I hope you don't mind me responding to this email on my blog (sans your real name, of course!)
You Rock!!!!!

P.S. You don't really consider Buckle and A.E. High Fashion...do you? And don't think I didn't notice your circa 1999 Oh Snap comment.
Peter

Suggestion #2 Tickets? Yes, Please.

2009-01-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

Listen up girls! This is kinda a no-brainer, but a suggestion nevertheless. I was at a Lakers game recently, and the next day this photo was on the a few websites. Granted, I'm sure Jake got Reese the tickets, but since Reese makes bucketloads more than Jake I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and try to make a point in my next suggestion. Get your guy some tix...Stat! I don't care how you get them or even how crappy the seats are, you betta git em gurl! Movies are played out. Concerts, Sporting events, Presidential Inaugurations (if you roll like that, email me before Friday), and Musicals(iffy) are where its at. If you got a crush on one of those socially awkward victims, go ahead and get him Trekkie Convention tickets. It's all good and you'll be all good. Remember how much you liked that new Kotur clutch joint Isla Fisher was wearing at the Golden Globes, well...he just might remember it too.

Suggestion #1 Sight isn't our only sense

2009-01-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

Hey hey hey...
After our first full day live, I got a slew of emails. Some great, some moderate, and some downright nasty. I kinda expected the latter, but never fear girls, you're not half-bad. (Dr. Phil mode on) You are doing some things right. Seriously, I want you to get yours and I truthfully believe you all can attain a significant other. (Dr. Phil mode off) So with no further adieu, on with the suggestions!

Girls, usually the first thing we notice are your physical features. I know blah, blah, blah we're pigs, but you check us out too (cue Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop"). So moving on. However, we have 5 senses that you attract us with. Forget about sight for this entry. We love touch. You know those cashmere giddy-ups you're wearing sometimes, bring em out, bring em out. We long for that. Maybe a little later in the relationship when holding hands is in the cards go ahead and massage the crap out of us. You might feel you suck at it, but trust us your nubby little fingers are all we need sometimes. We like to smell ya too. Can the Bath and Body Works/Victoria Secret spray junk. Our moms and sisters wear that, and we don't ever want to have thoughts about them when we catch a whiff of you. Pick up a light perfume instead. Stay away from the White Diamonds, White Shoulders (just forget the white) Chanel No.5, or Jessica McClintock, because you just aged yourself by 35 years. Pick up a Burberry Brit for Women or Victoria Secret's Heavenly. This one is pretty universal, but annoying high pitched voices are hard to stick around. Here's an easy test: Ask your girlfriends if they think your voice is annoying. Listen for key phrases like: whatever, not really, um..., not all the time, or I'm not really around you all the time. If you hear any of these, try and soften it up a bit. Go for Norah Jones instead of a Joy Behar(The View) or Megan Mulally(Will & Grace). Now if we finally get the green light to taste you, might as well have your A-game on, right? If you can pick up a tube of that C.O. Bigelow Peppermint Lip Gloss, that'll do the trick. Hmm...that one might just take care of all five senses.

Mistake #5 Confusing Fictional Movies with Your Non-Fiction, Non-Existant Love Life

2009-01-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

(Take this pipe dream down off your wall, silly girl.)

Girls, dating can be rough, can't it? I mean especially when you fall in love with a guy via radio and he wants you meet you on top of the Empire State Building, all the while he resides in Seattle and you reside in Chicago. Or, finding your love in England while house swapping over Christmas Break. No, better yet, doesn't it suck when your royal responsibilities require you to sneak around Rome with a handsome stranger, but can't seal the deal because your lifestyles are worlds (and principalities) apart? Face it, your life is not "Sleepless in Seattle" it's "Gunshots in Baltimore."It's not "The Holiday" but more like "Stranded on the Runway." Nor is it "Roman Holiday" but more like "Vacationing with the Griswold's." So with that said, don't live your life like those ridiculous movies. We won't be sweeping you off to Tuscany, but we can take you to Olive Garden's "Tour of Italy." You want us to close down shop at Tiffany's and tell you to choose your favorite ring? Babe, we live in Des Moines and all we got is Zales! And just get this out of your head right now... Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, and Manolo Blahnik sound like guys that got chosen last during pick-up b-ball games. Just worry about getting married first, then you can worry the hell out of us for those insignificant purchases. I mean it's not a Nintendo Wii for crying out loud...

Mistake #4 The Twilight Series

2009-01-13T07:40:00.000-08:00

First off, I want to congratulate Stephenie Meyer on her success. As a BYU alum myself, I'm pretty impressed with her new-found popularity. Steph, I know hiding this fascination was probably difficult to keep from your boyfriend until you got married. The teenage dramas between "Bella" and Edward are probably spot on for pre-pubescent imaginations, which is where this book should begin and end. When I hear 20-somethings so enthralled with the books that some host Vampire Book Clubs, I seriously question how we could possibly take these girls seriously. You see this book is about vampires. Vampires! I mean really ladies? When I think about vampires, I envision Count Chocula of chocolate cereal fame and Count von Count from that hit tv show, "Sesame Street." Did I hear rumor about a "sparkling" vampire in these books too? I know the Harry Potter mania has left a void in some of your lives, but seriously when I ask a girl what type of books she's interested in, vampires shouldn't ever trickle into conversation. Lie to me, we lie to you. Wikipedia George Eliot, any of the Brontë sisters, or even (this is difficult for me) Jane Austen, but don't tell me you stayed up all last night reading how Edward sucked out the venom from "Bella" when James bit her hand. You instantly become blacklisted during Elders Quorum the following Sunday. Just think sometimes, that's all.

Mistake #3 Worrying about the Spring Chicken

2009-01-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

Girls, did you just see what walked into chapel this morning? I did. It's the freshest new batch of Spring chickens. All fresh out of high school and ripe for the picking. As the 18 and 19 (kindergarten was a little difficult for a select few...) year olds venture out from Mother Hen's wings, they are bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and easily persuaded. As guys, we like this "perfect storm" as it gives the less talented of our species practice on scoring a "malleable" girl. These are the one's you can snatch up and mold them they way you want without all those set ideals the "women folk" already have ingrained in their seasoned years on the dating scene. Even as they make their way to Relief Society, the second halves (those aged 25-31) already have drawn the Mason-Dixon line between them. I seriously don't see the problem. Every single one of you were that age, it's not their fault you're 26 now. Everyone told you to watch out for the "Freshman 15" as your Snuggie fits like a sweatshirt now. Career? No, that's what the unfortunate ones say who missed the pretty boat. So what if they were born in the 90's. I personally liked the 90's and now will try to enjoy the fruits thereof. Girls, worrying about these little teenagers only adds a couple more wrinkles to the forehead and crows feet around the eyes. Instead of using your hard-earned "career" money on going to Duck Beach for your guy hunting adventures, you"ll have to succumb to premature Botox injections. My suggestion is to teach the little ones the ropes. Help them with their eating habits (you've been there...) and show them which guys are less than desirable. And then maybe, just maybe they'll practice charity (from last weeks Laurel's lesson) and throw you a lifeline...one of their rejects.

Mistake #2 Hatin' on the Hot Chick

2009-01-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

Girls, we know all about it. Guys are disappointed when you hate on the hot chick. It seems like every weekend "so and so" is going out on a another date with a new guy. She's got the act down pretty good, because you know she's not interested in him. So you and your sad, dateless friends mope around all Friday night about how she's taking all the "good guys" from everyone else. You might even spread a little "harmless" rumor to a close (non-interested/possibly gay) guy friend to hurt her future chances. Here's the deal, Stop it. We don't care, we want to date the hot girl too! More than likely you're c-blocking us from asking her out ourselves. A plan of action should go like this:
1) Make yourself hot. We don't care what drastic measures you take. We'll reward your efforts with a nice meal, an occasional movie and a possible make-out (if you'll let us).
2) Date within your means. Don't go out looking for a Mercedes-Benz G Class when you're a Ford Focus (also know your difference between cars). Guys only date down for 2 reasons, they just got home from their missions or they're too old to care about anything else other than sex (p.s. I wouldn't break this to one of your girlfriends already in this situation). Just do whatever you can to follow plan of action #1 and you'll be fine.
3) The non-interested, best friend is interested in you, idiot. Guys never hang around girls because they're "good friends". They are just biding their time waiting for an open invitation for some nookie. Give it to them, they will love you more than any "McDreamy" who's not even wasting his time on you.
4) Give up on sabotaging "so and so." She's always going to be a Betty and you're always going to a Wilma. You just make sure you're the best dang Wilma around!

Mistake #1 Beyoncé Knowles

2009-01-12T12:21:00.001-08:00

Beyoncé sure can give a single Mormon girl a false sense of hope! As many of you are aware, when one of Beyoncé's latest singles, "Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)" comes through the speakers, a euphoric trance envelopes every single lady in the room. In one fall swoop hands raise, and right index fingers point to left ring fingers as if to demand something that is not yet rightfully theirs. From the inspiring words of Beyoncé, girls scream, "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it." Girls, this kills me every time. What is "it" you are referring to? Personality, demeanor, intelligence, creativity, body image? Nope. It's a finger. Well, I guess I've noticed various fingers in my lifetime. Some are thin, some chubby, some short, some arthritic, some with ratty nails, some with whorish nail polish, but none that scream, "Awe shoot girl, I need to stick a ring on it..." And furthermore, I gather from the lyrics the guy left the girl and not the reversal. So a more realistic anthem should be, "If you want a ring on it (your finger that is) then take notes from your ex boyfriend's new girlfriend" In closing this song is annoying to pretty much any guy you're interested in. I hope you're fitting in those Deréon Jeans too.